Cockblocked! The Chronicles
by ExquisitelyUgly
Summary: A drabble series where Jake and Bella are finally together, but circumstances, people, forces of nature, and wacky stuff ensues that keeps them from having sex. AU, post-Eclipse, Rated M - sex and language
1. Chapter 1

Bella stood shivering outside Billy Black's front door, desperate to see Jake. She pounded again; once, twice, three times. She bounced from foot to foot; annoyed that Jake was ignoring her. Didn't he know she was here because she'd changed her mind? The little voice in her head whispered, _"Maybe he doesn't care anymore. Maybe he doesn't want you. Maybe you're a complete moronic, idiotic, and hopeful fool."_

Bella awkwardly brushed her hair back, uncertainty making her step back. She was ready to bolt and put this silly plan behind her when the door finally opened. Jake stood before her, clad in his usual jean shorts and nothing else. His hair was still on the shorter side, but it was beginning to grow out a little. The areas where it was longer stuck out messily giving him a nice case of bed head.

His dark eyes were cooler than she cared to see. Biting her lip, she stared back at him until he finally said, "Well? You woke me up, so you better have a damn good reason for being here."

The last time she'd seen him, she told him her choice was made. Bella had chosen Edward, gave Jake the kiss-off, and then to make matters worse she told him she still loved him. How much more fickle could she be? She stared at this angry Jake, still at a loss for words, but felt that warmth that came to her in a dream. It hadn't been long after she made her decision, but she had woken with a new resolve. If she and Edward were truly meant to be, she never would have fallen in love with Jake. She would've only cared about him as a friend.

Her mind and body told her it was Jake that she was meant to be with. With sadness in her heart, she told Edward and sent him and his family on their way. She'd loved him, but it was a little girl's love. She wanted to try a real relationship; one with give-and-take, one where she didn't have to change everything about who she was to be with him. Jake could give her that, and she thought he was still in love with her, too.

Jake's eyes flared with impatience, but before he could say anything, Bella spluttered in a rush, "I'minlovewithyouandwanttobewit hyou."

Those dark eyes registered confusion as he tried to understand what she just said. Bella's cheeks felt hot, the flush was spreading, and she felt like a complete dope.

"I'm sorry… I'll just go…" she managed to stutter before turning to make a run for it.

Instead, she felt Jake's fingers circle her wrist to hold her in place. When she turned around, Bella found herself stumbling forward into Jake as he gave her what he probably presumed was a gentle tug. It was more like a yank-and-crash. "Do you mean it?" he asked his tone hard to read.

Bella nodded fervently. "I made a mistake, Jake. I told Edward what I wanted, so they all left. They're gone. I wanted you all along; it just took me forever to figure it out. I'm sorry."

Jake didn't say anything, but he really didn't have to. When his lips crashed onto hers, Bella understood. She looped her arms around his neck, pulling herself closer and nearly scaling the length of his body to be closer that that even. She laughed breathlessly when he boosted her up, holding her easily, and they continued to kiss.

For someone who was so graceful, who had the strength and skill to slink around the woods and hunt vampires, Bella realized Jake was really clumsy when it came to matters of sexual exploration. His two kisses prior to this had been a little klutzy as he dove toward her with a surprising gusto. Now? He was practically swallowing her face as they kissed.

Giggling at his lack of finesse, Bella couldn't help but realize she was practically doing the same thing. Virginal yet horny, they stumbled into the kitchen, eager to touch. Jake stumbled and crashed into the refrigerator as Bella nibbled on his lower lip, his hips jerking slightly against hers. She clung to his shoulders as he crashed through the tiny house, ricocheting off of the sofa, the wall, and anything that got in the way of his destination. His hands were nearly everywhere at once.

He stumbled over the clothes on his bedroom floor, his hands grasping her backside in his haste to keep her from falling, and his fingers grazed just between her thighs in the exact right spot. Bella gasped as his fingers wedged between her thighs from behind, which set off a resulting cascade of feelings coursing down her body to her hoo-hah.

"Oh fuck," Jake ground out as he stumbled yet again over another obstacle, sending them crashing to the bed. Bella couldn't help the explosive giggle that burst out even as she whacked her head on his head board. She was glad Jake didn't realize what happened just before their fall, though.

"Oh my God, Jake," she gasped, her breath wheezing from the combination of his body weight and laughing.

His face was sheepish and mortified, but Bella smoothed his hair back, trying to refrain from laughing again. The poor guy was turning red. "It's okay," she said, her voice shaking as she struggled to suppress her laughter. "I'm fine."

He shifted around awkwardly. "Cockblocked by my own damn mess," he said with a sigh.

Bella cracked up again, slapping her hand over her mouth. Jake flushed again, but he gave her an evil smile. "Go ahead and laugh at my expense, Bells. I know what happened just before we crash-landed." He wiggled his eyebrows at her and it was her turn to blush profusely.

She punched him the shoulder and soon they were both laughing at their first misguided attempt at having sex.

* * *

**AN: The first drabble of the series! And thanks to MeraNaamJoker yet again for helping me to come up with this title. And a question for you all…are you interested in audience participation again or would you rather I just came up with the ideas? Let me know, and we'll go from there. Hope you enjoyed the first one!**

**And a special thanks to Ana for the banner! I LOVE it. By the way, it's a bit like Where's Waldo this banner. See if you can find the penis. :-P lol Link to banner: pic50 [dotcom] / VOL401 / 12778990 / 22736049 / 405130115 [dotjpg] **


	2. Chapter 2

Jake dropped his head into his hands as soon as he phased back. He'd gotten hammered by his pack because he'd had the misfortune of being unable to hide what had happened the other day between him and Bella. He head raucous laughter coming up behind him and rolled his eyes.

"Oh Bella, I want you so much!" Paul enthused.

"Come here, little lady," Quil said, lowering his voice. "Let me ravish you right here. In my bedroom in my dad's house."

"But…but… it's so _messy_ in here. And it smells like nasty old feet," Paul replied in an indignant falsetto.

Everyone was laughing when Jake turned around. Quil was lifting Paul and then tripped in an exaggerated attempt at mimicking Jake. They were rolling around on the ground, so he shoved Embry out of his way and planted his bare foot directly on Paul's face.

Paul howled. Jake quickly gave Quil some of the same treatment before he realized what was happening. "How's my nasty old foot stink?" he said evilly.

A lot of laughing and yelling ensued, and Jake took off as they began chasing him down. Later on, safe at home, he called Bella in the hopes that she'd be up for a second attempt at a little push and smoosh. Ever since she'd come to tell him she'd wanted him and had changed her mind, he couldn't stop thinking about her naked.

It wasn't like that was anything new, but she was actually _into_ it this time. His pecker got excited at just the thought of Bella being excited. So, when she answered, Jake was thrilled.

"Are you, uh, busy?" Jake asked casually. _Please say no. Please say no. Please say no._

He knew he hadn't said it very casually when she giggled. "I've got an hour before Charlie comes home from work."

Jake barely managed to say – or rather yell – "I'm on my way!" before he was out the door. When he got to Bella's, laying a few tire streaks on the road in the process, he decided to shimmy up her tree and go in through the window for old time's sake. When he poked his head in, Bella gave a little screech of surprise and she tried to hide what she was looking at.

He crawled through the window. "Sorry," he said contritely. "What are you reading, Bells?"

Her cheeks flushed just like he expected they would and mutely shook her head. So, he did what any normal teenage boy would do…he swiped the magazine from her and held it out of reach. She squawked and tried to get it back, but he ignored her as his mouth popped open in surprise. His eyes widened, he felt his own cheeks flush…and his cock began to salute.

_"How to Please Your Lover"_

The reasons listed below had his pants straining and the very real fear of being a no-pump chump. She hadn't even touched him yet, but the descriptions certainly made him hornier than a horny toad. He took a deep breath and went for it, and Bella's eyes widened in surprise. It became a stripping free for all as clothes flew everywhere in his haste to get laid.

_God, she was so soft. And her nipples were really perky. And sort of bumpy._

Jake whacked his knee on the bed in his haste to get on it and winced. He knelt down, ready to rip Bella's panties off, but frowned when nothing happened. He yanked them again, but they remained intact. Jake stared down at her blue panties, annoyed, and muttered, "What? Are these made of some super strong titanium or something?"

Bella muffled a giggle as Jake tried to wrestle them off instead. He gave a Tarzan yell and swung them in a circle when he accomplished his task of stripping Bella bare. Bella began laughing outright, still blushing, and when she reached for him he practically dove on her like a ravenous wolf.

_Need Bella. Cock about to explode._

He tried to count backward in his head to keep from getting too excited and blowing his load. But her nipple was _in his mouth_!

Jake couldn't touch her enough.

"Jake, why are you counting out loud?" Bella asked, lifting her head.

_Shit! That wasn't in my head!_

"Uh, no reason," he mumbled. He resumed touching her, jumping as her hand began to explore him. Oh boy, if she kept that up, it'd be all over.

"Condom?" Bella asked, embarrassed, but eager. He grabbed his jeans, extracting his one and only condom, and passed it to her.

She took up the task of unwrapping it, sitting up and catching sight of him close-up. Her eyes widened and she stared at him, a bit slack-jawed. "Wow, uh…" Bella stammered, trailing off.

It was like his cock had a homing device; it was straining toward her eagerly. It was if it had a mind of its own. Bella's eyes jerked up to his, so he smiled reassuringly at her. He'd loved her a long time despite the fact that he was just another horny teenager. He kissed her, trying to show her that, and he felt her relax. Jake was pretty proud of himself for helping to ease her fears and bit his lip as she began to unroll the condom.

Suddenly, he felt the snap of the condom against his cock and yelped. Bella jumped back in surprise and gasped, "I'm sorry!"

In her haste, she'd let it go. Her face was red, and he began to tell her it was okay, but suddenly she began giggling and couldn't stop. "Holy crap, Jake. I think you got the wrong size."

He glanced down at his own cock, which had deflated a bit with the snap, and did a mental head slap. The condom had only had gone down halfway. Mortified, he glanced up at Bella and she gave his hand a squeeze as she continued laughing.

"Foiled again," he muttered.

* * *

**AN: Hope you enjoyed this and that it amused you! Especially since I wrote most of this in a Nyquil-induced haze. Haha Anyway, just curious on some input…how would you like to see these drabbles go? I'm debating on if they actually end up having sex before the end or just having cockblocking incidents mixed with mishaps during sex. And considering it's very similar to the other drabble series; was curious if you preferred it this way. I think I'm going to go back and forth, too, with their POV's because I think Bella can be a little silly and clumsy as well. Heh. Anyway, I wouldn't mind hearing what you all think. :o)**


	3. Chapter 3

Bella stood in the shower trying to figure out how on earth she was going to have sex with Jake. She had sort of gotten close the first time, much closer the second time, but she hadn't considered Jake's snake being so…big.

There were never instances where sex was physically impossible, right?

God, she hoped not.

She felt stupid and mortified at the thought of mentioning this worry to Jake. Bella was drying her hair in her room when her cell phone buzzed and then her eyes widened in surprise at the ringtone that followed.

_When I'm walkin' in the spot, this is what I see  
__Everybody stops and they starin' at me.  
__I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it…  
__I'm sexy and I know it_

Bella started giggling when she saw it was Jake calling. He must've set it the last time he was with her. "You have passion in your pants, huh?" she said with a snicker when she answered.

"Hell, I always have passion in my pants," Jake said in a leering tone. They both began laughing. "Why don't you come over and find out?" he added teasingly.

She blushed and felt the butterflies take flight again. Bella gnawed on her lip all the way to the reservation. She was excited for this, but wondered why she was so willing to have sex with Jake right away. Besides the fact that she'd always found him beautiful, he was funny, didn't treat her like glass, and he just had this infectious personality that always brightened her day.

He was like crack. And she wanted to take a drag on his…

Bella parked, her eyes widening. _What the hell is happening to me? I'm starting to sound just like Jake! _

Bella was a little embarrassed to even admit to herself, but she thought about sex a lot, too. She'd wanted to lose her virginity to Edward, but in the end, she was glad she hadn't; because when Jake opened the door, she nearly swallowed her tongue in response to his bare-chested – per usual – appearance and the unbuttoned jean shorts. As it was, Bella stumbled over the stoop on her way into the house and bumped into him.

"You know, you don't have to be coy and _pretend_ you tripped," Jake said calmly. "You can just stick your hand down my…"

"Jake!" She snorted and tried to refrain from giggling. She'd turned into a giggly spaz around him lately as well as a klutz.

She'd also turned into a sex-obsessed teenager. As soon as Jake's lips were on hers, it became her mantra. Instead of ommm it was sssssseeeeexxxxx_._

Bella scaled the length of his body as he hoisted her up. He plopped her on the counter, banging her head on the cabinet. "Ow," she grunted. She was going to end up brain-damaged before they ever managed to have sex. Jake was oblivious, his tongue darting at warp speed in her mouth, and his hands grasping her ass like a lifeline.

With a couple minor crashes, they made it to Jake's bed. He even managed not to trip and fall on top of her this time. Bella tugged at his jean shorts, but her own leg was stuck under him and in the way. And it was falling asleep. "Take them off," she commanded and then blushed immediately.

What was up with her? She was turning into a dominatrix who just said whatever was on her mind. Jake seemed to like it, though as he sat back and stripped his pants off. He was wearing tight little briefs, outlining what she secretly referred to as Jake's snake. His _big _snake.

He was back on top of her, his mouth sucking so hard on her nipple she thought it might've sank into her boob and he was trying to pop it back out again. The thought made her laugh, but she encouraged Jake to continue because her nipple seemed to be connected to her hoo-hah if all the electrical jolts between her thighs were any indication. Bella's leg was still pinned beneath both of them and she tried to wiggle into a more comfortable position.

"Wet," Jake mumbled out loud. "Like a hot, squishy net for my cock…"

She also realized Jake had a tendency to mumble what he was thinking when he was horny. Bella muffled a snort of laughter. He looked up, surprised, and then he blushed.

Bella, feeling emboldened, pushed Jake back so he was sitting in front of her. Untangling herself from her pretzel-like position, Bella sat up on her knees to work her way over to Jake. What she didn't realize was her leg had _entirely_ fallen asleep and she lost her balance as the pins and needles shot through her leg.

With a squawk of surprise, Bella tumbled face-first right into Jake's crotch.

"Holy big snake!" she cried out in surprise. It felt like the size of a boa constrictor!

Bella huffed out a breath right onto Jake's crotch in her struggle to get back up, but her damn leg wasn't cooperating. She flew backwards in mortification, falling off the bed with a yell, and taking the blanket with her.

Staring up in stupefied surprise, she saw Jake's hips jerk as he came from her inadvertent mouth-to-snake move. Before she could even fathom it, before she even had time to be embarrassed as she saw a suspicious drop land right next to her, there was a banging out in the kitchen.

Bella stood up, only to immediately land back on the floor as her leg still hadn't regained full feeling. Jake threw a blanket on top of her, hiding her clothes frantically, and diving under the rest of the covers on the bed just as Billy knocked and opened the door.

Bella lay frozen on the floor, embarrassed beyond words, and tried to remain still and look like a lump of discarded clothes.

"Jake? Why is Bella sleeping on your floor?"

* * *

**AN: Hopefully I was as awkward and funny as possible. ;) It's harder to write Bella funny for some reason, but hopefully you like it because I did make myself laugh. Way to toot my own horn, huh? Lol**


	4. Chapter 4

Jake really wanted to see Bella, to get her naked, and to finally succeed at banging her senseless. The last time they were together, though, had been mortifying for both of them in more ways than one. Bella had pretended to be asleep when Billy came home – who was skeptical about Bella being there because they wanted to have an innocent, friendly sleepover – and as soon as the coast was clear, she'd bolted.

But her face on his cock…

Jake cringed yet again. It had been sweet, torturous Heaven even if she hadn't meant to do it. And then he'd proven what a horndog he was by coming all over the place because of it. Just the feel of her breath on his cock made him hard yet again.

He couldn't help grinning at the memory of her comment, though about his size. His head swelled as much as the big guy's head. As much as he wanted the pack to know _that_, he'd avoided phasing because the embarrassment was still too much. The next day, though after a bout of jerkin' the chicken, he couldn't bear it anymore. They had to get over this hump, so he called and got Charlie on the phone.

"She's closing tonight at Newton's," Chief Swan informed him. "I think around ten 'o clock?"

That was even more perfect. There was less chance of anyone coming and busting them in the middle of a little game of hide the salami. Jake decided to surprise Bella, so he grabbed a few condoms; ones that he made sure were the right size. When he got to Newton's there was still a light on inside. He noticed only Bella's truck in the lot. He grinned eagerly, his cock giving an excited jump in his pants. He coughed, trying to get himself under control. He didn't want to freak Bella out with tented pants.

He cupped his hand over his mouth, breathing into it to test his breath. Not bad. He knocked lightly on the plate-glass window and saw Bella pop up from behind the counter and bump her head. Grimacing, and mouthing what looked like a swear word, Jake couldn't help but chuckle. He was glad he wasn't the only klutz. She caught sight of him and came over to unlock the door.

"Jake?" she said surprised. "What are you doing here?"

God, she was so damn cute. Her nose was wrinkled slightly in what he thought of as her look of confusion. Her Newton's smock hid all her curves, but just imaging her perky nipples underneath made his mouth water.

"And why are you drooling?" she asked suspiciously.

Embarrassed, Jake swiped at his mouth. What the fuck was wrong with him?

Bella giggled as she let him in. "I was kidding, but I guess you really were."

He smiled and blushed because he really _had _been. He followed her back to the stock room, leaning against the doorway as she avoided his eyes. "Charlie said you were closing tonight, so I thought, uh… I'd… stop over." He seemed to lose the ability to speak now, too.

Bella's mouth quirked and she finally looked up at him. "I'm glad you came. I thought we should, you know, try again." Her cheeks reddened and he found it adorable. He figured it was best they didn't discuss what happened last time.

"We're alone," he said, moving closer to her. He couldn't help sniffing her hair; it always smelled so good. "How about a little tickle the pickle? Shit, I mean…"

Bella giggled at his slip of the tongue. "I like that." He almost started panting when her hand traced said pickle. When his mouth touched hers, he cupped her neck and slid his tongue deep into her mouth. She murmured against him, her unique scent and taste making his cock jolt and tremble.

Hurriedly, afraid of exploding too fast yet again, he unbuttoned her jeans. He didn't want to hurry this, but he needed to be inside of her.

_Bella winked at him, placing her hands on the shelf with her back to him, and he got a full-on view of her perfectly shaped ass. He stroked a hand down it, and then he yanked her back against him. _

"Oh shit…" he muttered. He needed to stop fantasizing about taking her like the stallion he was. This wild stallion was going to pop his cork too soon if he continued this; it was hard enough because he had his hand inside those silky, pink panties of hers.

Bella arched against him, gasping, and he tried to take deep breaths. They bumped into a stack of rolled-up tents in their eagerness to get horizontal. While they landed with soft whumps around them, Jake managed to get her shirt off.

Bouncy breasts right in front of him.

Jake groaned, salivated, and began to play with them. He watched, fascinated, as they bounced again under his ministrations. "Are you going to kiss them or just watch them?" Bella asked teasingly.

_Bounce!_

Shaking his head, he leaned down to taste them like a starving man at a huge buffet. Bella was laughing, moaning, and she kept arching her hips up against his. His cock ached so hard, he thought he'd die. He grabbed a condom, shakily unwrapping it.

"Is it the right size?" she giggled.

"Yeah, but I'm not going to ask _you _to do it," he teased back. She blushed, but smiled encouragingly. The damn thing was so small and his fingers just weren't working right.

He leaned back, his cock shuddering against Bella's thigh. Her eyes widened as she caught sight of it against her. Jake tried to give her a reassuring smile, but instead he managed to sling-shot the condom across the room. The little sucker had Jake's strength behind it and it hit a precariously leaning ski pole.

They both stared in surprise as the ski pole fell and smacked right into the fire alarm button. "Fuck!" Jake yelled.

Bella was off the floor in seconds, scrambling for her clothes. She knocked into a shelf as they both ricocheted around the room, trying to get dressed and get out of there. Bella was ahead of him, shoving the door open, and stopped short. Jake plowed into her from behind and knocked her over.

"Sorry… shit…" he gasped, hauling her back up only to face a fire truck, two cop cars, and the rapidly darkening expression of Chief Charles Swan.

Bella's mouth opened, squeaking, "I'm sorry… the alarm got bumped…"

Jake closed his eyes, resigned. "Just shoot me now."

* * *

**AN: This one is for Tundetre! Happy Birthday, hun! :D And Happy Birthday to Lougwriter! Hope you ladies and everyone else enjoyed it. ;o) If any of this stuff happened to me, btw, I think I'd give up on sex forever. Lol **


	5. Chapter 5

Bella's mouth opened and closed a few times, but all she could utter was a pathetic squeak. Charlie wasn't impressed. Mrs. Newton was there now, too, though Bella could see the sympathetic understanding on her face. Well, at least she wasn't fired. She was grateful her employer whispered to her that they were all young at one time or another.

"We… we were just in the back room t-talking while I was closing for the night. The fire alarm going off was an accident," Bella stuttered. If you called a flying condom an accident.

"Then why is your shirt buttoned crookedly if all you were doing was talking?" Charlie asked eyes narrowed.

"She was, uh, changing clothes before we left," Jake supplied helpfully. "To, uh, well…"

He was thinking hard, but Bella groaned inwardly. So much for Jake helping her out of this! Charlie turned to look at Jake, his expression murderous. Bella saw his finger twitch in the vicinity of his gun. Jake saw it, too, though he tried to keep his cool.

"I'll deal with you later," Charlie said through gritted teeth. "Get out of here before I change my mind." He made a move toward Jake, and Bella watched as Jake nearly galloped away in his haste.

She followed Charlie home. What on earth _could_ she say? That she was horny and trying to get Jake undressed as if her life depended on it? Her cheeks flamed even just _thinking _of saying that to Charlie. He turned to face her in the kitchen and went on and on about responsibility, about how sex was a big deal because he _knew_ they weren't just talking, and about how he was going to kill Jacob Black, now referred to as "The Horny Bastard."

"If that horny bastard comes anywhere near you, I'm going to shoot him in the nuts," Charlie finally muttered, ending the conversation. He had calmed down, though his face was probably just as red as Bella's. She desperately wanted one of his beers that he was drinking and suck it down. Except sucking it down put ideas in her head… and dammit, she needed to get away from Charlie!

Two days passed before she talked to Jake again, though she'd heard Charlie on the phone yelling about the horny bastard and how if he wanted to remain a male, he needed to stop sniffing around Bella like a blood-hound.

Her phone rang after she'd finished her shift. "Hey Bells," Jake said sounding as happy as he usually did.

"Do you still have your balls?" she asked worriedly.

He laughed at her. "Yes, I have my balls, though Chief Swan is definitely a ball-buster. I told him that no matter what, I would always respect your wishes and that I loved you."

Bella smiled, feeling pleasant warmth infuse her body, for once non-sexual. She knew Jake was in love with her, but hearing it now made her even hornier. Then she realized she heard a curious sound. "Jake, what are you doing?" she asked suspiciously.

"Uh…" he replied sounding flustered. "Nothing?"

"You're choking the chicken!" she exclaimed. He laughed, but sounded embarrassed.

"I was hoping you'd come here now and help me out with it. And just because I respect and love you doesn't mean I don't still want to stick my totem pole into your teepee."

Bella giggled. "And what about our dads?"

"Taken care of," he said smugly. "Your dad is at work, my dad just left with Sue for a routine appointment at the hospital."

So, Bella found herself driving hurriedly to La Push before they lost a chance. Jake was mostly dressed – as he usually was – but he had a suspiciously content smile on his face.

_His hand slowly gripping and moving up and down, up and down…_

Bella shook her head quickly; that all too familiar burn between her thighs. Jake grinned, apparently having an idea of what she was thinking, and she coughed and looked down at her feet in mortification. She'd never been so obsessed about a guy's… totem pole before.

Jake chuckled and hauled her down the hallway nearly making her fall in his long-legged wake. They made it to Jake's bed after what felt like a century. She tried to ignore previous memories of sex attempts in his bed. When Jake disposed of her shirt immediately, though, she forgot everything.

He buried his face in her breasts, making a motor boat sound, and cracking her up. She playfully smacked the top of his head making him chuckle. She wrestled his shirt off, though he got his head stuck in it, and nearly fell off the bed. Bella tried to muffle her giggle at the sight. She couldn't believe how unbearably klutzy and inept they were together, but it seemed neither of them could keep away from each other despite the mortifying mishaps.

They were both naked – fully for once – and Bella suddenly began to feel shy about it. What if her boobs were uneven? She had showered before she came, but he might be _down there._ What if she smelled strange? She'd read horror stories about that. She huddled in on herself especially when she caught sight of the snake again.

_It was monstrous!_

Bella swallowed hard, but Jake had shifted downward, his face close to her crotch. Her heart gave an erratic bump of fear and excitement as Jake's mouth descended. She bit her lip and stared at the ceiling. His mouth was warm, his tongue moving awkwardly, and she could feel his nose brushing against her. It was a pathetically short time later that she felt a massive orgasm coming on, but suddenly she saw Jake make a slight face.

_WHAT?! Oh shit… but I showered!_

Quickly and without warning, he sneezed.

Bella screeched at the explosion on and in her crotch at the same time and jumped back, accidentally kicking Jake in the head. "Fuck!" Jake yelled.

"I… I… what…" Bella didn't even know what to say. Jake look horrified.

"I'm s-sorry. It happened too fast…your pubes tickled my nostril…" His face was scarlet and she was sure hers was, too.

The absurdity made her want to run screaming or laugh hysterically. Suddenly, near the window she heard Billy's voice. "If those kids are in there bumping uglies…"

They both yelled in shock, only to hear raucous laughter in response.

Paul, Jared, and Quil were laughing like hyenas. Their impersonation of Billy was spot on, and with a murmured, "I'm going to kill them," Jake leapt out of the window, buck-naked, and was gone.

Bella covered her face, mortified, and afraid she'd die a virgin.

* * *

**AN: I don't know if this has ever happened to anyone, but I think I would probably die of utter mortification if this happened. Lol As it was, I got embarrassed just writing it! Hope you enjoyed it. ;o)**


	6. Chapter 6

Jake was still biding his time, prepared to pay back his loser friends for interrupting his sexy play time with Bella. Okay, so sneezing kind of did that, but still. At least he'd managed a few good punches to make up for it. Surprisingly, the bonus was that he'd been naked.

Quil had flipped out, yelling, "Ew, fuck! Get your junk off of me!"

It was a nice little payback to tackle and rub his junk on them even if it was accidentally. He shook with laughter, shaking his junk at them like some kind of demented Tarzan, making them yell and stumble over each other in their haste to get away from him.

"Abort!" Jared had yelled as he took off. "It's an attack of Jake's junk!"

Paul yelped, pushing Quil out of his way. "Fuck! Get me away from that peter beater!"

Quil had just screamed like a girl and ran after him. It had been awesome.

Bella would be here shortly, though unfortunately so would Charlie. He was giving them supervised visits which were awkward when Jake's thoughts were consumed with naked Bella and how his cock always rose rapidly whenever he saw her. It was like she was the puppet master and she held the string for his cock.

So, when they got there, Jake made sure he was positioned properly. Charlie gave him the stink-eye.

"Uh, hi Chief Swan. Hey Bella," he said not moving from his seat.

"Jake, give me a hand here?" his dad called from the bedroom. Jake tried not to groan. His cock had swelled as predicted when Bella gave him a sweetly sly smile. He was glad she was over the sneezing fiasco, but damn, when she looked at him like that, he nearly tripled in size. It made it hard to walk.

It was like having a third leg.

Awkwardly, Jake shuffled sideways like a crab, practically limping. _Blue balls, here I come._

"You hurt yourself?" Charlie asked dryly.

"Er… no, sir," he muttered. He quickly darted into Billy's room and hid behind the safety of his wheelchair.

Billy looked up at him suspiciously and then gave a un-Billy like eye roll. "Damn, son, you need professional help." And then he cackled at Jake's misfortune.

Jake wheeled Billy hurriedly out into the living room, face flushed with embarrassment. Christ, everyone probably knew he had a boner! His dad knowing had pretty much dampened his ardor. He suffered through dinner, wishing he was anywhere but in that house with Charlie Swan and his gun.

He managed to escape to the bedroom with Bella. He dropped his head into his hands and groaned. Bella laughed softly, stroking his hair. "Having a rough evening, Jake?" she asked sympathetically.

He nodded pitifully, making her giggle.

"What's going on in there?" Charlie called out. Within seconds he was at the door even though it remained open, hand on his hip where his holster always was. Billy was right behind him, eyeing them suspiciously.

"Dad," Bella sighed. "We're just talking, okay?"

He gave Jake the stink-eye again, but left them alone.

"I'm supposedly going out with Jess and Angela tonight," she whispered before kissing him. He latched onto her like a sucker fish, unable to help himself.

She giggled again, pulling away from him. "Meet me in the woods behind the house?"

They were reduced to trying to have sex like wild animals; the woods, the beach; maybe next they'd be stuck wrestling in the mud. That gave Jake ideas, though. Later on, he made the excuse that he was going to patrol when it was time to go and meet Bella.

Jake strapped his shorts to his ankle and phased on the fly. He was behind Bella's house within seconds. He phased back and decided to wait naked for her. Maybe they'd finally get to have sex before something else happened. He backed into the darkness of the woods, beckoning Bella.

She stopped short, surprised he was naked already, and she jerked her eyes back up. He tried not to laugh when they widened; he'd never get tired of it. "I figured we could skip the preliminaries of me pulling my pants off, unless you want a show…"

He tried a stripper hip swivel and almost crashed into a tree. Bella muffled a snort of laughter and allowed him to lead her deeper into the forest. Her mouth was eager, trailing kisses along his neck and chest as he nearly dropped her onto a soft patch of grass in his eagerness. They kissed, Jake's hand finding the curve of her hip, and moving around to her inner thighs. He dipped his hand further, but Bella suddenly gave a soft squawk of surprise.

"Jake, too far! That's not my, uh… er… hoo-hah," she said lamely. He flushed, but he really _hadn't_ been paying attention! He _knew_ which hole. She was blushing, too, because despite it all, Bella couldn't talk dirty which amused him greatly.

_Mmmm. X marks the spot. She was warm and slippery… like a fish._

Bella jerked back a little. "A _fish?_" She looked horrified and he realized his error. Girls seemed to be sensitive about their smell.

_Fuck! _He needed to stop talking out loud.

"No, no," he assured her. "Geez, Bells, you smell like forbidden fruit."

Once that was settled, he began to explore her depths with his fingers and tried not to explode as she explored the mighty sword. He groaned, biting his lip, and it didn't take long for him to come. _Shit_.

It didn't matter because suddenly there was a snarl nearby. He could tell by the sound this was a big dog; not one of the guys. Bella practically leaped on him. The dog sensed danger from his wolf, and Jake couldn't phase because Bella was straddling his back and clinging like a howler monkey.

"My neighbor's dog," she yelled in his ear, deafening him. She kicked at it making it angrier. "Go home, Cujo!"

The dog snapped, catching hold of Jake's pants, so he took off with Bella hanging over his shoulder. The wolf chased after them, but thankfully Jake was fast. The only problem was he had no clothes now and neither did Bella. His cock was also flying around willy-nilly and nearly hit Bella in the face as he dodged and weaved.

By the time they made it to the edge of the forest the wolf had left. He was humiliated and it didn't help that Sam was staring, wide-eyed, and ready for patrol. "Clothes, please," he begged as Bella tried to hide behind him.

Sam desperately looked like he was about to howl with laughter, but Jake snarled at him. Sam wisely held it in, nodded, and promised he wouldn't breathe a word. After he left, Jake turned to Bella who was as red as a tomato.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh or cry.

* * *

**AN: I had the funniest mental image of a cock flying around in the air while writing this. Lol Hope you enjoyed it. ;o)**


	7. Chapter 7

Bella kept quiet as Angela and Jess discussed their boyfriends and how far they went with them already. She took a swallow of her latte, staring down at the table as Jessica went on and on about Mike. Bella wasn't thrilled to hear about Mike's you-know-what and how Jess claimed she was skilled at cock taming.

It gave her weird mental images of Jess chanting with a turban on her head, waving her hands over a rapidly rising _snake_ only to have it weave around like Jake's had in the forest. Hopefully Mike's didn't nearly poke Jess in the eye like Jake's nearly did to her.

She took another sip of her latte and tuned in just in time to hear, "It has a funny curve to it, but at least he knows how to do it now!"

Bella wondered if they managed it without sneezing, being chased by a dog, tripping, or any other disastrous mishaps. Angela was discussing Ben now, and she tuned out again, curious instead if she could get them to talk about if they'd had trouble fitting something so big inside them. She didn't know how to ask without looking like an idiot.

She looked up when she heard her name. "I said," Jess repeated, looking exasperated, "With how incredibly hot Jake is, you must have some incredible sex."

Jess and Angela giggled knowingly, and Bella just felt like an idiot. "Yeah… uh, the sex is pretty incredible."

_It would be if they could somehow manage it._

"I like giving blow jobs, though," Jess added. "It gives you power over them; turns them into putty in your hands."

Angela nodded knowingly, cheeks a little red. Bella felt like a tomato compared to her. Maybe she should try giving Jake a blow job first; ease their way into having sex. She vowed to give it a try that night.

After work, Bella called Jake to pick her up. She riffled through her drawers, locating the skimpy black lingerie Renee had sent her as a gift about a year ago. Bella had thrown it in the back of her underwear drawer at the time, too embarrassed to even try it on. She pulled it out and bravely stepped out of her clothes and tried to tug it on.

Wait. Where the hell did that strip of fabric go?

Bella frowned at the scrap of material, suddenly unsure of how she was supposed to wear it. She tried again, managing to get it on and to cover her boobs, though quite a bit of them were still exposed. Her eyes widened when she realized where the strip of fabric went. It went between her… butt cheeks? She wiggled, trying to get comfortable with the strip of fabric there.

"Oh well," she muttered. At least Jake wouldn't accidentally go for the wrong hole. The thought made her giggle and her cheeks flushed.

When Jake got there, Bella quickly tugged on the rest of her clothes and hurried downstairs. Just as she got in the car, her cell phone buzzed. She glanced down and saw Charlie had texted her: _Hey. Just checking in. _

Damn, how did he have such uncanny timing? Ears hot, she texted: _Out with friends. See you when you get home._

She crossed her fingers, glancing over at Jake. He was giving her a lusty look which didn't help matters. Her eyes landed on his jeans and saw they were already tented slightly. When Charlie didn't text back, she relaxed.

"Beach parking lot?" Jake asked and she nodded. It would be virtually dead at this time, so they'd have plenty of privacy, especially if he parked at the corner behind the trees. It was the teenage hot spot on weekends.

"Jake? We are dating, right? I mean, I know we both want this to happen, but we've never actually been on a date," Bella questioned as he drove.

He glanced over at her. "Yeah… is that okay? How about we go on a date next time? I'm sorry, I should've asked, but I've been, uh, distracted…"

She muffled a giggle. "No need. I've been distracted, too. And yes, I'm definitely okay with that."

With that decided, Jake parked. Bella was glad that he was always _up_ for anything; having to work at getting him fully up sounded kind of daunting. She wiggled out of her jeans as Jake's eyes widened. They widened further when he got the full effect of what she was wearing.

Feeling a little silly, Bella glanced up at him. Jake was staring so hard at her boobs, he wasn't even aware he was licking his lips. She snorted feeling a little less embarrassed and leaned over to wind her hand around his neck. He kissed her eagerly, his fingers fumbling first over her boobs, dipping inside, then down the strip of fabric in front and back to where the fabric rested in her crack.

She jumped, briefly wondering if he was into… _that_ _stuff._ The thought was terrifying, but his fingers just traced the fabric. "Relax," he said. He was trying not to laugh. "I'm not taking a trip on Hershey Highway."

It took a second, but Bella's face flamed and her eyes widened. "Jake!" she exclaimed.

He did laugh then and immediately was distracted just as quickly when she shifted and her boobs bounced. She grinned; whenever they moved, he was like a dog on alert. Bella moved closer to him, sliding her hand up his leg. Jake jerked when her hand came in contact with his snake. Before she could lose her nerve, Bella unbuttoned his jeans quickly. She leaned down, took a deep breath, and found the head of his snake.

Jake gasped in surprise, banging his knee on the steering wheel when her mouth closed over him. It was such a strange sensation.

_He's so damn thick!_

She swirled her tongue experimentally around him and gagged when he thrust his hips too hard. Frantically, she pulled back afraid she'd barf, and winced when she banged her head on the steering wheel.

"Sorry," Jake gasped.

Bella relaxed as the feeling passed and tried again. Suddenly, Jake whispered fiercely, "Bella! Someone's coming!"

Jake grabbed for his pants and before she had time to move, he zipped them. Bella started to pull away, but was jerked right back to Jake's crotch.

_Shit! Her hair was caught in the zipper!_

"Jake, my hair is stuck!" she whispered, her words muffled as her nose was pressed right against Jake's snake.

"Oh God, don't move," he groaned.

Bella tried to stay still, but Jake couldn't untangle it with the wheel in his way, and Bella couldn't get it with her hand pinned under her. Suddenly, there was loud laughter. Bella could only see the bulge in Jake's jeans as she tried to jerk away again, but yelped as she ended up right back in his lap.

"Cover my ass!" she yelped.

"_Eeny weenie teeny weenie  
__Shriveled little short dick man  
__What in the world is that thing?  
__Do you need some tweezers to put that little thing away?"_

Rachel, Rebecca, and Leah sang in unison. Oh shit.

They were laughing like hyenas while all Bella could do was lay on Jake's not so teeny weenie. "Leah," Jake begged.

Laughing, she ushered his sisters away. "Need some help with the pecker, Jake?" And she howled with laughter again.

She finally untangled Bella's hair. Bella covered herself with her clothes and hoped one couldn't die of too much embarrassment.

* * *

**AN: Awkward! Haha This one is for Tamfan for the suggestion! Thanks hun, it was a good one. Hope you and everyone enjoyed it. ;o)  
**


	8. Chapter 8

***Note: AN's to follow below – be sure to check it out as it's about J/B and where these drabbles are going and FFn's TOS warnings***

* * *

Jake sat by the bonfire, noticing nothing but Bella across from him. She was talking and laughing with Emily and Kim. He wondered what they were laughing at; he was becoming paranoid with all the sexual mishaps they suffered from and others had occasionally been exposed to.

He watched as she brushed her hair back and immediately thought of nibbling on her neck. When she half-turned toward him, his eyes dropped to her cleavage – mmm, what he wouldn't give to nuzzle those bouncy puppies right now. He could stay there forever. In fact, it'd be kind of cool if she wiggled those babies around and whacked him about the face with them. That was kind of a turn-on and his cock popped and did a little shuffle at the thought.

"Dude, what's your problem? You're in some kind of trance or something. Should I slap the hell out of you? Will that help?" He barely heard Quil's laughing voice in his ear. It was like an annoying fly.

He turned toward Quil, his eyes still on that sexy little crevice between Bella's boobs. "Sex, a lot of dirty, dirty sex," he replied. "Wait… what?" he asked, suddenly aware he was talking out loud.

Quil was howling with laughter, having spied what had Jake so distracted, and Embry joined in after Quil relayed what Jake had just said.

"Oh Bella," Quil said in a falsetto. "I want to motorboat those hooters, and then I want to bury my c…"

Jake interrupted him by smacking both him and Embry hard on the back of the head. He started laughing as they both choked on their hotdogs and said, "Serves you two tea baggers right. At least I'm getting _some_ kind of action."

He made his way over to Bella, planning his next move. He was going to ask her out on that long over-due date. He sneakily slid his hand around her waist from behind, making her jump and yelp, and she ended up giving him a decent head-butt. She smacked a hand over her mouth, embarrassed but trying not to laugh at the same time, and Jake just shook his head.

They were hopeless.

"Sorry," she said sliding her arms around his waist. She leaned her head against his chest and he held on.

"Bells, um… do you want to go out on a date tomorrow?" he asked feeling suddenly shy. He wasn't sure why; he'd seen her knockers _and _the sexy little bush.

When she gave him a winning smile and nod, he felt better.

So, the next day he decided to ask and beg to take Bella to dinner in Port Angeles. He needed to get around Billy and Charlie eventually. It took massive amounts of cajoling, wheedling, and promising; not to mention protecting his private parts when it came to Charlie. Finally they agreed when Bella stated she'd just move out if he didn't learn to accept she was becoming a grown-up. Charlie had given him the evilest eyeball ever, making Jake cringe, but he finally muttered, "Fine, but I'm trusting you to make the right choices, Bells. And Jake, you horny bastard, I'll still shoot you in the nuts, so watch yourself."

Not a pleasant thought.

The date at a little Italian restaurant went well even if Jake had made Bella spill her drink when he snuck his hand up her skirt. How could he resist? She looked so damn hot in the little, swingy blue skirt. She gave him a secretive smile on the car ride home, making his pecker pulse even harder. He was going to bust a nut while driving if she didn't stop looking at him like that or whispering dirty things in his ear. He also didn't want to screw around in the car, considering what happened last time.

"Look!" Bella chirped when he parked. "My dad isn't home."

Jake was suspicious, peeking behind bushes to make sure there was no Crouching Charlie, Hidden Gun there. Bella giggled at him as he snuck stealthily around the yard. In the kitchen, Bella picked up a note.

"He had to work," she said. "He says if you step one toe, or pecker, out of line there will be a problem," she said blushing profusely.

"Pft," Jake muttered. "He's not here, let's go." He scooped her up, let loose another Tarzan yell, and charged up the stairs, nearly dropping her. He caught himself on the wall and winced as he led her into the bathroom.

"What are you doing?" she asked in surprise.

"You're quite the dirty little girl," he said with a leer that made her snort. "My big boy here is gonna clean you up real good…"

He was trying to be all sexy, but Bella was still laughing at him, so instead he just ripped his clothes off and twirled them over his head. She slapped a hand over her mouth, but now she was blushing, too. It was probably because of his awesome cock.

In the shower, he lathered her hair with shampoo, and sang,

"_So put your hands down my pants and I bet you'll feel nuts,  
Yes, I'm Siskel, yes, I'm Ebert,  
And you're getting two thumbs up  
You and me, baby ain't nothin' but mammals,  
so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel"_

Jake kissed her to make her stop laughing, even though he was, too. It turned from funny to sexy within seconds as he groped her sexy boobs, palming them like they were the greatest wonder of the world – which they were. Bella's tongue slid between his lips, and Jake groaned, his cock shuddering a bit as Bella rubbed up against him. He grabbed her ass – mmm, firm – and hoisted her higher. Her sweet spot was right _there_. It'd be so easy, but he didn't have any protection, so he settled with stroking her from behind.

Bella's head fell back, and Jake started feeling even more confident. When she slid down his body to grope him better, the water suddenly went from pleasantly hot to a blast of arctic ice. Jake yelped, slipping as he backed away, and got a blast of that ice on his pecker.

They both stared down at it, now limp and lifeless.

"Damn," Jake sighed. "Foiled by ice water, the doom for all horny men."

Suddenly, they heard a voice outside the door. "Bella? Are you okay? I heard a yell…"

The door opened and Edward hurried in. _Edward?!_

"Holy crap!" Bella screeched. Jake nearly fell as she freaked out. The shower curtain did fall, encasing them both, though Jake managed to catch the bar before it brained them. Jake stared in shock through the plastic curtain at Edward as did Bella. At least Bella was still clinging to _him_. Good sign.

"Talk about a limp dick," Jake muttered and sighed.

* * *

**AN: First off, this one is for Alh1971 for Edward being a cockblocker! ;o) **

**Okay, now on to the drabble future… I did want everyone to know they WILL have sex. Soonish. I'm planning on doing 10 drabbles of cockblocking before they accomplish it, and then it'll just be sexual mishaps for however long I continue this. I've had a number ask, and I didn't want to deter anyone away if they're looking forward to that. Heh.**

**Also, I got a warning review on my multi "Picking up the Pieces." Apparently, I have SEX in there. Rme. I don't get it; it's one of my tamer ones. But as for the future of that story since FFn is still doing this, I might end up pulling it. So, I'm reinforcing that my stuff is also on AO3, Jacob Black 'n Pack, and Tricky Raven as exquisitelyugly. If stuff disappears, or they actually go after my stuff that's smuttier than that, you can find me on those sites. Please ask for the links if you don't know them because I get tired of trying to make links work on this site; it's extremely annoying. Thanks. Hope you enjoy this. :o)**


	9. Chapter 9

Bella quickly wrapped the towel Jake grabbed for her around her body. Edward had backed hastily out of the bathroom, and sufficiently covered, Bella reluctantly followed. "Edward, what on earth are you doing here?" Bella asked, shocked and mortifed.

"I thought after some time alone, you'd come to your senses and come back to me," he said his usually calm demeanor a bit ruffled. Bella's eyebrows winged up just as Jake moved closer and stood behind her.

Bella's eyes widened; just how close was he standing? No part of his body touched her except for his over-eager snake. He wasn't _that_ close to her, but it was poking her in the _behind_! Distracted, she felt Jake leaning over her shoulder.

"Please. You're not wanted here, you big ice prick. Take your stony ass out of here so me and Bells can finish up what we started and heat this place up with a little friction slide," Jake said his voice suggestive.

Apparently, little Jake had the same idea. She tried to reach back subtly and bat his happy stick away from her, but only succeeded in having Jake notice her attempt and instead slide it into her palm. Flustered, Bella pulled her hand away, and turned back to Edward.

She could _feel _Jake laughing softly behind her. "Edward, I don't think… that's such a good idea. I told you it was over between us."

"Yeah, she prefers a real man," Jake said. "One with a joystick that pumps real blood, if you catch my drift," he said with a sly smile. Bella stomped on his foot, trying to make him stop, but she felt the urge to laugh at Jake's choice of words. Edward had been pissed when she ended it, and he'd left in a huff, but she didn't want to be nasty to him.

Jake was enjoying rubbing it in, though, and she couldn't help but laugh inwardly. He was standing _naked_ behind her, her body the only thing covering a raging hard-on as her ex stood in front of her. Edward's lip curled as he stared at Jake. "I see time hasn't made you any more mature."

"And I see time hasn't loosened that stick up your ass," he said with a chuckle.

"Bella," Edward said, choosing to ignore Jake's jab, "I don't know what's gotten into you."

"I know just what will be getting into her soon…" Jake said, packing on the innuendo. Bella elbowed him, but a giggle slipped out.

Edward's irritation was evident. It was apparent to Bella that this had nothing to do with loving her. It was more about calling her his. "Look Edward, I think it's best if you leave," Bella said. "I'm sorry, but I'm happy with Jake."

Edward left stony-faced, and Bella turned to Jake. "You're a pain in the ass, Jake," she said trying not to laugh.

He gave her a winning grin with wide, innocent eyes.

Bella smirked. "All right, lover boy, Charlie is going to be home soon. We're going to have to continue this later or you just might lose your nuts," she said looking down at said nuts.

Jake took her hand. "You'd protect my nuts, though, wouldn't you?" he teased, wrapping her fingers around him.

His snake was throbbing in her hand, a drip trembling, and Bella's eyes widened and she flushed hotly. "Uh, better go, it's time to release the beast," Jake mumbled. He grabbed his clothes and stumbled, hunched over, and nearly crashed into the door in his hurry to leave while Bella stared in fascination and giggled.

The next night, Jake had the shades drawn in his room and he had his back to her when she arrived. Bella's eyes widened in amazement when he turned to face her; he was holding some kind of contraption with straps that had a pink rubberized thing attached to it in the shape of a butterfly.

"Jake, is that a…" She couldn't even finish the sentence.

"Sex toy," he supplied oh-so-helpfully. "I ordered it for you online because it was discounted. Apparently there's a remote that goes with it."

Bella didn't know what to think. She'd never used a sex toy. How on earth did you put it on? Jake was looking at her eagerly, his shorts already constricted, so she decided to please him. She managed to undo her jeans and pull them down with just a faint blush tingeing her cheeks. She lifted her leg as he slid it over and when he was done, Bella stared down at it.

"It's backwards," she said. The little pink butterfly was positioned at the wrong hole. "What's with you and my butt?" she demanded. He turned red, but laughed.

"Sorry, I never put one of these on before," he said making a face at her and making her laugh. They managed to reposition it and got it in the right spot. Bella sat in his padded desk chair with Jake's urging, one leg bent, and the other dangled over the side of the chair. _Awkward. _

He turned the remote on and Bella gave a small screech. "Too high!" she practically yelled. Her hoo-hah was going to end up electrocuted!

He bit his lip and turned the pressure down. It was a slower, gentler buzz, and Bella shifted awkwardly. It felt good; kind of too good. She was going to pop under Jake's watchful stare. He stared in fascination at her hoo-hah, embarrassing her.

"Jake," she protested feeling silly. So, he leaned over her and tugged the buttons on her shirt, latching onto her boobs like he was starved. It never failed to make her giggle how excited he got over them. When he worked his way down, Bella whimpered a little.

His mouth was eager as always, slurping at her like a guppy. She wanted to laugh, but it _did _feel good. She relaxed, leaning back, and threaded her hands in his hair. His tongue was moving over her slowly, and Bella glanced down, pleasure humming right where his mouth was. He pulled back and glanced up, and Bella slapped a hand over her mouth as he made a strange face. There was a little smear of blood on his chin.

Beyond horrified, Bella didn't know what to do. How the hell didn't she realize her period was coming? There'd been no warning cramps. "Bells? I don't want to freak you out, but uh… something tastes… strange," Jake said.

He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, his eyes widened, and he jerked back.

"My period," she gasped. Bella tried to get up, but Jake's foot bumped the remote, setting it to hoo-hah blasting mode. She let out a squawk and fell back into the chair, and the chair rolled back and crashed into the wall.

She came with a ferocity that set her nerve endings into spasms. Bella yanked it off and just dropped her head back. Could it get any worse?

"Foiled again," Jake sighed.

* * *

**AN: Okay, this one is for - Jacob's Imprint *~April~*! - for her idea of Bella getting her period while Jake was performing a little tongue action. ;o) Hope you enjoyed, hun. Lol Hope you all had a good laugh (was feeling decidedly unfunny but was content enough with how it turned out at least!)**


	10. Chapter 10

Jake stood at the top of the cliffs with the rest of the pack, rolling his shoulders, and preparing to take a flying leap over the edge. In fact, he couldn't wait if it meant getting away from the rest of them. He'd unfortunately had a flashback to tasting Bella's… well, her red-tinged nectar. And he couldn't say he was a fan. Now that they all knew, they hadn't let up for a second.

"Hey, Jake, you want a drink of fruit punch before the leap?" Embry called out.

"No, no, I hear he prefers _Bella's _red punch," Quil yodeled loud enough for the entire reservation to hear.

They all howled with laughter. He tried to ignore them.

"You plan on hanging out with Bella this weekend?" Jared asked innocently. Jake wasn't sure he wanted to answer the question. And sure enough…

"He might plan on _eating_ out Bella this weekend… he just can't get enough of surfing the crimson wave," Paul added and the laughter ensued.

Jake smiled evilly and said, "Oh, but have you forgotten what Sam just told us? How with your latest conquest, you allowed her finger to wander…"

They were all laughing hysterically at Paul now, and Jake smirked as Paul's face turned beet red. Only now, he had to leap out of the way as Paul aimed for him. Laughing, Jake darted out of the way and leapt rather gracefully off the cliff into the ocean far below.

Once they all leaped off the edge, the moment was forgotten and they dragged themselves onto the shore to dry off by the bonfire. Jake had a hot dog in hand, wondering as he shoved it in his mouth if this was what it felt like for a chick to suck on a dick. Curious, he left it there, and pondered the thought until his cell buzzed. Bella.

_Yay! Sex with Bella! Hopefully without the blood this time…_

Jake shuddered slightly, not so thrilled with the memory of gargling. It was incredibly awkward and poor Bella had been stricken with mortification. "Hey, Bells," he said quietly, trying not to attract the attention of his brothers. He waved to Leah as she joined them.

"Jake, what are you doing tonight into tomorrow?" she asked him. Her voice was a little shrill, and he cringed.

"Nothing unless you count beatin' the meat… chokin' the chicken…"

She giggled and said, "Charlie has to go into Hoquiam for some kind of training and he has to stay over there. I thought maybe you could, uh, you know… come here tonight."

She sounded shy all of a sudden, but Jake's ears perked at the idea, his cock perked up, and he sat up abruptly. "Um… really? Are you kidding me? I'm on my way!" He was _so _ready. His _cock _was so ready.

"Oooh," Quil said, having heard the conversation. _Damn wolf hearing_.

"Gonna get some bow-chicka-wow action? Better hope you have the right size condom," Jared snickered.

"Yeah, you might want to aim for the right hole, too," Leah said dryly. "Not all women are into butt love, Jake."

Laughing now, Paul added, "Or when she goes down on you, make sure you pull her hair back…"

Quil added, "Maybe try standing up, buddy. You know, so neither of you falls off the bed. Kind of like this." He dry-humped Embry from behind to show Jake, freaking Embry out, and a resulting wrestling match ensued.

"I'll leave you two lovebirds to your mating dance," Jake snickered as Quil kicked a stream of sand up in the air. "I'll be having sex with a woman while the rest of you, minus Sam, wish you could have a little push in the bush."

Laughing, he headed as Sam called out, "Don't go setting off any alarms!"

Giving them the backwards finger, Jake practically raced to Bella's. He heard her yell down the steps to come in when he knocked on the back door – just to be on the safe side – to find her in the kitchen. She was wearing a sexy little French-maid outfit, and she swept her arm toward the table. Candles were lit, food was on the table, and everything looked sparkly clean.

Jake raised his eyebrows, impressed, and said, "All this for me?"

He sat and she said, "Anything else I can get you, sir?"

"Yeah," he said, pretending to think. "Your sweet cheeks parked on my lap."

Giggling, Bella sat on his lap, and he fed her a piece of chicken. His boner was so hard it could probably poke right through her flimsy panties. When Bella got up, Jake followed her, and kissed her against the kitchen counter. "This place is a little too clean," Jake murmured. "Let's dirty it up."

Bella looped her arms around his neck and smothered a smile. "What do you have in mind?"

He leaned down to kiss her, his hands automatically going to her partially exposed boobs. He pushed himself between her thighs, banging his head on the cabinet in the process, but soldiered on. His cock was pressed right where he wanted it. Her gasps spurred him on, and he gave her a hearty dry-hump and had to stop immediately before he popped… or knocked her over.

"A little bump and grind?" he answered her. She flushed a bit, so he continued to egg her on.

"Or maybe a sit and spin?"

"Oh, I know; one in the pink, two in the stink?"

"Ew, Jake! That's disgusting!" She was turning even redder now.

He reached over and picked up a cucumber that was still lying on the counter. "How about this? Come on; tell me you never tried it…"

Her whole body flushed, and she muffled a shocked laugh. "You're a freak, Jacob Black. I think you dirtied things up enough." She wormed away from him, laughing, and darted up the steps.

Jake followed her, his mighty sword leading the way. She held up a hand and said, "Wait. I got you something."

He ripped open the package eagerly and stared. It was a pink, rubbery thing shaped like…

"Holy shit!" Jake exclaimed, staring at it.

It was a pink, rubbery… sleeve. Then he realized just what he was supposed to do with it and flushed. So, this was her payback for their last attempt. He wasn't sure men were supposed to be into sex toys, but he'd show her. Jake whipped his pants off and before he could wimp out, he stuck his cock in it.

Bella stared in shock, embarrassed and hysterical at once, as he wagged it around, experimenting. He gave a little thrust into it, going after her, and making her shriek. Jake paused in his pursuit, curious, and leaned over to get a closer look at his sheathed pecker while Bella undressed.

"Bella? It's Mom! Surprise!"

The voice outside the door came so suddenly, the door creaking open, and Jake caught a brief glimpse of Bella's mother from between his legs before he scrambled out the window, pelting bare-assed across the lawn.

* * *

**AN: Ah, nothing like mooning your girlfriend's mother. Heh. Anyway, this one is for Zayide with the suggestion of Charlie going away, but being sneaky by asking Renee to visit and stay with Bella (without her knowing) because he's a smart dad-cop. ;o) **

**I hope you enjoyed… I did struggle a little bit with this one! So, I hope I amused. :o)**


	11. Chapter 11

Bella sat frozen at the kitchen table, fists clenched on her lap, eyes downcast and still hot with embarrassment. Renee was sitting across from her, Phil wisely having left. Bella was beyond grateful that at least it hadn't been both of them catching her and Jake. This was horrible enough.

"Honey… that's quite an outfit," Renee said as her opening. Bella squeezed her zippered sweatshirt tighter against herself, wanting to fall through the floor, the earth, and end up on another continent.

She swallowed, unable to comment. It was hard to focus because her thong was wedged so deep she was afraid it'd have to be surgically removed. She was afraid to do anything about it; she'd had enough attention drawn to her.

Renee said, "I guess for once Charlie was right. I always thought he was too over-protective of you, and he thought I was way too open. You never gave us reason to worry, though."

"I'm sorry…" Bella said faintly. She continued to stare with fascination at the spot on her jeans.

"Don't be. I'm impressed you had the foresight to dress in a sexy French Maid outfit."

Bella's head shot up, her eyes colliding with Renee's. Her mother laughed, muffling it with her hand as her eyes danced with merriment. "I dressed in something similar for Phil the other night…"

"Mom!" Bella protested. Oh God, like this wasn't horrible enough, now her mother was going to talk about _her _sex life!

Renee chuckled again. "Okay, okay, I'll keep it to myself. Look, sweetie, have you and Jacob already sexed it up?"

Bella coughed uncomfortably, her whole body feeling hot. "Um, no," she whispered. "We've been, uh, interrupted…" She trailed off, not wanting to admit just how many times they'd been interrupted.

Renee fiddled with her water bottle. "Oh to be a teenager again. It's so good and so rough all at the same time. I'm glad to see you doing something other than sticking your nose in a book or in school work, though."

If her mother was pleased with Bella trying to have sex, then maybe she could high tail it out of here now. But when she looked up, Renee had her serious face on. It didn't happen often, but when it did she usually waited and let her mom have her say.

"Honey, you do plan on using a condom right? And do you love each other?"

Ugh, she'd _had_ this discussion with her mother. Why did she have to go through it again? "Of course," Bella said weakly. "And yes, we love each other."

"Okay then," Renee said, mercifully cutting things short. "I know you're on birth control, you're going to use a condom, and apparently you know how to have fun. So, I'm going to leave things up to you. Phil and I will find somewhere else to stay for tonight and let you call Jacob back."

Shocked, Bella stared at Renee, not knowing what to say. "Really?" she managed to squeak.

"I'll talk to your dad in the morning, but only if it comes up. Have fun, baby. That ass is too nice to pass up," she added, a wicked gleam in her eye. She left Bella sitting there, red as a tomato yet again. She hurried back upstairs after Renee left and leaned out the window. Would Jake still be around?

"Jake?" Bella called out softly. A couple minutes later she saw his head poking around a tree. "It's safe. You can come back up."

She tried to snort back a laugh as he came around, still naked, and the sleeve still attached. When he came back up, she couldn't hold it back and laughed so hard her stomach hurt. He gave her a frustrated and fake-hurt look. "I couldn't phase, which I wanted to do because I couldn't get the damn thing off."

Bella felt the tears well up in her eyes from laughing so hard. "Looks like _that_ might be a tad small for you, too."

Jake huffed, red with embarrassment, so Bella took pity on him and helped him pry it off. Still giggling, she shook her head. "Only you," she said smiling. He gave her a huffy look, but his eyes brightened when she told him what Renee had said.

He bounced naked onto her bed and leaned over to reach underneath. "What are you doing?" Bella asked, mystified, but pleased with the sight of Jake's bare ass on display right in front of her… and not her mother.

He produced a DVD and Bella took a closer look. "There's a Snake in my Bush: Part II?" Bella questioned. "You stashed bad porn in my room?"

He grinned, his arms behind his head, and his own snake proudly on display. Bella flushed at the idea of watching porn with Jake, not to mention what was on display in front of her. "Come on, Bells," he wheedled. "It'll be fun. I've watched loads of porn."

"Not surprised," Bella muttered with a wry grin.

"Plus," he added, giving her a full-on pout, "Your mom catching us ruined my impressive boner."

Bella snickered. "Please. Nothing keeps you _down_," she said raising an eyebrow at him.

He patted the spot next to him, and Bella stretched out, still clad in her butt-flossing thong. She bit her lip in trepidation at the sight of Jake's hard-on right in her line of sight, nearly blocking the television. She was worried yet again about him fitting, but she tried to relax and concentrate on the porn.

"Hmm," Jake pondered as Bella smacked her forehead and cracked up at the movie. The woman was dressed in a jungle outfit, the man naked and stalking her through the brush, crooning, "Come on, my little jungle cat, this snake is ready to slither inside…"

The woman gasped, legs sprawled wide as she fell. Bella stared in amazement; she had quite a, um, bush. And the snake did slither on in. She was blushing bright red now as the porno music started, accompanied with wild thrusting and grunting. Oddly enough, she was sort of turned on and eagerly accepted Jake's kiss. He began to kiss her; with a lot of tongue. His tongue was like a snake, darting in and out, and Bella giggled at the imagery.

"Keep going," she encouraged, but he pushed her leg up too far, just like porno guy did, in his eagerness.

"Ow," Bella gasped. "Jake, my leg doesn't bend as far as hers."

He flushed, but eased off. His mouth sucked wildly at her nipples, moved down her stomach, and planted a brief kiss on her hoo-hah, which was probably for the best. "Got the right size?" she asked with a giggle when he produced a condom.

He gave her a look, but slid it on proudly. Laughing to cover her nerves, she let Jake spread her legs and begin his own snake in the bush. The pain was there, the burn, and Bella clenched her teeth. Even in his eagerness, Jake made sure she was okay. She reassured him, but three eager pumps later… they were done.

She was afraid he'd be discouraged, but he gave a yodel, startling her and did his Tarzan impersonation. Bella laughed as he exclaimed, "We actually did it!"

Bella noticed he was embarrassed because of how fast it went, though and was trying to hide it, so she urged him down to her. It _had_ felt good… briefly. "We'll try it again," she whispered, saying but not saying what he needed to hear.

He kissed her, now smiling happily, and Bella's phone buzzed. Getting comfortable, she flicked it open.

_How was it, baby? _

Renee. Bella groaned, blushing, and dropped the phone to the floor.

* * *

**AN: Hey… they had sex! ;o) This one ended up being a little longer than I planned, but it was the actual sex drabble, so you all deserve that for being so patient. Lol Hope you enjoyed it! Now it's on to sexual mishaps… and occasional cock-blocking!**


	12. Chapter 12

Holy shit, he'd finally managed to have sex with her! He could hardly believe it. He'd skipped out before Renee showed up; he wasn't sure he could ever face Bella's mother again. Jake tried to curb his enthusiasm and adjusted his expression before he opened the front door. Billy was at the kitchen table, and he glanced up at Jake when he came in.

"You had sex," Billy said bluntly and without warning.

Jake's face heated. How the hell did he know?

"Please," Billy said as if he was reading Jake's mind. "You've got the 'I'm a teenage boy and had sex' look. Not to mention, I know my own horn dog son well enough by now."

Jake was rooted to the spot, knowing this was how Bella probably felt when she had to talk to her mom. And Charlie. "Uh," was all Jake managed to stutter.

Billy shook his head, obviously trying to hide a smirk. "Did you at least use a condom?"

Jake's mouth opened, but nothing came out, so he nodded. Billy looked relieved. "Good. Charlie is going to kill you regardless, but at least there's that."

Jake nodded again, weakly, and turned to leave.

"Always sheath the sword, son. Isn't that one way you youngsters say it?"

Jake practically ran down the hall as Billy yelled, "No glove, no love!" Jake could hear him cackling as he slammed his bedroom door shut. He groaned, dropping his head in his hands. His father definitely had an annoying sense of humor.

The next night, he was out patrolling and thinking constantly of Bella.

_Jakey had sex last night! Wow, it's about time you landed that rocket! _Snorts of wolfy laughter echoed at Paul's thoughts.

Quil and Embry pounced on him excitedly. _Dude! You did it! You sank your boat into her harbor! Wahoo! _Quil cheered enthusiastically.

He got a chest bump from Embry, and Jake felt the pride swell. He'd had hot, squishy sex with Bella during a porno. He couldn't help but gloat, but unfortunately he thought of how fast it went. More howling wolf laughter echoed.

_Did you even feel anything with how fast it went?_

_You didn't get __**her**__ off?_

Sam took pity on him and snorted out a laugh. _Oh, the stories I could tell about you two losers! _He swiped at Paul and Jared. _Coming __**on **__the girl instead of inside her!_

Grateful for the relief, Jake started laughing at them and damn happy with this turn of events.

_And you two should talk. You're both still virgins. _Sam snapped at Quil's tail, starting a wolf pile. Sam turned toward Jake and winked just as Jared belly-flopped onto his back. They finally untangled and were near the end of the patrol when Jake's thoughts circled back to Bella yet again.

There was an uncomfortable tingle down low when he thought of Bella beneath him, and he squirmed slightly, uncomfortable. What the hell? He'd never been turned on _as _a wolf before. This was so fucked up. He wiggled around on his belly, freaked out, and heard Seth's voice in his head.

_Man, what is wrong with you?_

Jared's voice interjected as he wasn't far behind them. _Jakey, you got some kind of cock critters crawling on your junk or something?_

It was time to phase back, oh thank God, and Jake hurriedly did so. He could hear the human laughter this time as he hid behind a tree. He'd had a wolf boner! And it was still there as a human. He yanked his pants on as fast as he could, just making out Sam's voice over the laughing. "Go find Bella, you horny son of a bitch," he said. He was shaking his head as Jake took off for Bella's house.

He tossed a pebble at her window, wincing as it clinked a little too hard. He'd put a dent in it. Bella opened the window and shook her head, laughing, but called down softly, "I'll be out in a few minutes; Charlie's about to get in the shower."

He waited behind a tree. The thought of having sex again was too much for him. He dribbled slightly and groaned. It was probably best to bang it out now before she came out. He'd get hard again fast enough. Ever since he had sex, he was in an endless state of salute. He jerked himself off hurriedly, kicked leaves over the evidence, and tripped over a root and nearly fell in the same spot.

"Dammit!" Jake growled. He was a disaster.

When Bella hurried into the woods moments later and catapulted into his arms, though, he was happy. And hard again. Yay! "How was your dad? Did he find out at all?"

Bella cringed. "Yes, but Renee lessened the impact a little bit at least. He still wants to kill you. It was painfully embarrassing," she muttered.

"Me too," he admitted. "My dad wasn't hard on me, but he delights in tormenting me about this. But forget it, this is our time. Sexy time," he said, wiggling his eyebrows and pinching her behind.

"Ouch," she complained. Oops, a little too hard. Jake blushed, but she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. They stumbled backwards, and he held her up against a tree as he struggled with her jeans.

Bella giggled. "I think my legs need to be down first before you take them off," she said laughing affectionately. "You have such a one-track mind."

Feeling stupid, Jake let her down to strip her and yanked his own pants off. They tumbled down into the leaves, thankfully nowhere near his earlier mess, and he began his usual ritual of assaulting her boobs. _Mmm… boobs!_

"Doggy style?" Jake suggested. "You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals… so let's do it like they do…"

Bella smacked his chest before he could finish, and she flushed. "Jake! No."

"Oh, too soon," he said wisely, making her giggle.

Instead, Jake slid a finger inside her and found her warm and ready. And wet. She was like a leaky faucet. Bella giggled, and he realized he'd said that out loud. Feeling even stupider, he tried to make up for it by sheathing himself successfully and easing inside. His cock was throbbing relentlessly, but he struggled to focus on that little nub of flesh he knew was a sweet spot. Pack mind _did _come in handy sometimes!

Thrilled, Jake could see Bella's pleasure as he thrust and rubbed at the same time. Starting to sweat it, he managed three pumps without exploding. And thankfully by the fourth, his rubbing did the trick. Bella came, her body arching, but just as he began, something landed on his back. He yelled and leaped back only to fall on his ass. He'd heard the chittering sound above them, too engrossed in sex to pay attention. Apparently he'd pissed off a family of squirrels and one had just landed on him.

Bella yelped, and he spun in a circle, freaking out, and finally managed to fling it free. Jake yanked his pants on while Bella did the same, thankfully having finished coming, and they bolted for her house. The damn thing was chasing them now!

Renee was at the back door. Jake stopped dead, Bella turning to look at him. "Uh… hi Mrs. Dwyer," he said faintly.

"It's safe," she announced. Bella hurried up the steps, but as Renee caught Jake's eye, all he could see was himself examining him own dick. So, he did what any strong wolf protector would do…

He ran.

* * *

**AN: Squirrels can be tricky little bastards. And they do chitter when they're pissed. haha. Hope you enjoyed!**


	13. Chapter 13

Bella continued dodging Charlie the next couple days, not wanting to hear another condom lecture or to receive his my-little-girl-is-not-a-little-girl-anymore look or the ever present look of I'm-still-going-to-kill-that-horny-bastard. He'd been suspiciously quiet so far, though, but she figured that was because Renee was around.

Renee was another story, though still painfully embarrassing. Her mother actually _gave _her some kind of hoo-hah cream to ease the burn for one new to sex. She was mortified yet strangely relieved.

Jake was quite a… hoo-hah full.

So, Bella was glad to get away from the house and Charlie's incessant gun cleaning; not to mention, Renee's urging that sharing is caring when it came to sexcapades. She really suspected Renee just enjoyed Jake's backside a little _too _much.

She met with Jess and Angela for a movie in Port Angeles in an attempt to escape her parents and the sex cloud that loomed over the house only to listen to her friends discuss sex to and from the city. She'd never realized until now that women were just as obsessed with sex as men were. In fact, she'd barely stopped thinking about it since her first encounter with Jake.

"…and he asked me to _swallow _it!" Jess exclaimed.

Bella tuned in at the last minute and cringed at what Jessica was talking about. She felt her face flush at the idea of it while Angela giggled with embarrassment. "Oh come on!" Jess said incredulously. "You can't tell me Jake or Ben doesn't ask for it!"

Angela hedged around, but admitted she'd done it already, but Ben hadn't asked her to actually swallow anything.

"Yet," Jess warned. "They not only try to gag you with their schlongs, but then they expect you o swallow their man juice. It's like a fire hose springing a leak."

After the laughter died down, Jess asked Bella, "Jake hasn't asked you to do it?"

Fighting her embarrassment, Bella admitted she hadn't done that or even given a blow job yet. "It just hasn't…come up."

Angela smiled at her in the rearview mirror. "Be glad. While it's fun to please them, that part can be a little daunting if you aren't used to it."

Jess parked in front of Bella's house and turned around to look at her. "Yeah, count yourself lucky. Jake's a big boy. He's probably huge, and he reminds me of an untamed stallion. Never a good mix. You could probably choke on him."

She did _not _need that visual and tried to push the thought of it away. She'd worried about him fitting inside of her, she didn't need to worry about going to the hospital because she'd suffocated trying to give him a blow job. She'd considered trying it again after their first failed attempt, though, but trying to swallow man juice from Jake's rather large fire hose sounded like a disaster waiting to happen.

Later that evening, Bella drove to First Beach to meet Jake. She didn't want to risk the wrath of Charlie by inviting Jake to the house, going to Billy's, or even mentioning him by name even though Charlie had been rather subdued lately. It'd be like poking a sleepy bear. One that had a gun. Bella parked in the lot and hurried to their driftwood log.

Jake was already there, mumbling to himself, apparently so deep in thought about something that he didn't even register her approach.

"How about we just try it and see?" she heard him mutter. "You know I'll go slowly. If it doesn't feel right I'll stop; you just have such a fuck-awesome ass…"

Bella froze in place for a second, and blurted out without thinking, "Oh my God, Jake! You are not getting anything near my butt!"

Jake spun around in surprise at her outburst, caught with his hand down his pants. Bella's eyes widened and she snorted out a laugh. He looked embarrassed, yanked his hand out, and said, "Bells, that's not, uh, what I meant…"

Bella raised her eyebrows and waited. "I just thought we could try, you know, doggy-style… but I didn't know how to ask you…"

"We could probably try that sometime," Bella allowed, face reddening at the thought of being bent over something while Jake used that fire hose of his to…

Bella coughed, squirming a little as her hoo-hah flared to life within seconds. She might die of heat stroke if this continued to happen. Jake recognized the signs, his nostrils flaring slightly at her scent, and he tugged her close. Bella wrapped her legs around his waist, dry-humping him as if her life depended on it. He managed to yank her shirt up and over her head, but he struggled with her bra.

Bella giggled when he swore. "You _still _haven't mastered this yet?" she teased. "I would've thought you'd be an expert by now considering how horny you are."

He made a face at her. "These things suck. They're like boobie cages."

Bella came down with a fit of the giggles until Jake finally managed to release them. "They're free!" he exclaimed before pawing them like an eager stallion. Bella ended up half-sprawled on their log, legs all akimbo. Jake whipped his pants off, standing above her like some beautifully-carved statue.

He gave his hips a shake, his fire hose bobbing spectacularly, and he practically dove on top of her. Bella hooked one leg around his waist as he gripped her hips and lifted. Bella struggled to unroll the condom over him – damn, even the large didn't seem large enough – but got it on without too much of a struggle. When he gave an eager thrust, she realized the logistics of this was ridiculous. He'd partially pushed her off the log, her face was smooshed into his chest, and _his_ face was nowhere to be seen from her upside-down position.

"Bells, where the hell are you?" Jake asked and she started laughing.

They righted themselves, Jake thrust, and suddenly a sharp, stabbing pain made her yelp. "Ow," Bella gasped, tears coming instantaneously. "Ow, ow, ow. Jake wait… my butt…"

He pulled back while Bella rolled over to her hands and knees. Her ass was stinging like _crazy_. Carefully, she reached around and touched her butt cheek only to yelp again. Jake took a closer look and groaned. "Bells, honey, you have a large splinter in your ass."

"Jake, it really hurts," Bella gasped. "Get it out."

As soon as he laid a hand on her, she nearly jumped a foot. "Okay, no, don't touch it. I can't believe this, but I'm going to need you to take me to a doctor."

Once there, Jake held her hand in the doctor's office while Sue Clearwater extracted a piece of driftwood from Bella's ass.

* * *

**AN: Sorry for the delay in getting this up. I got a nasty cold and could barely function, though the good news is I feel almost normal today! Hope you enjoyed this… and if you didn't, blame it on me trying to write some of it while sick. ;-P**


	14. Chapter 14

Jake finished whacking off, grunting with the finish. He'd been forced to do the tango with his hand for the last week and a half. Bella had been recovering from the massive driftwood splinter in her ass, effectively dampening her sex mojo. They'd tried the one time a few days after, but when she yelped and flew across the room after they'd landed on the bed, he knew it was a pointless activity until she got better.

So, he became best friends with his trusty hand again.

Maybe that was a good thing because he'd been hammered – and not in the good way – since the pack found out about Bella's splinter.

"Dude, you're supposed to give her _your _wood, not driftwood!" Quil had snickered.

"How do you even _have _sex on a log?" Leah had asked dryly, which had been a mistake.

"First the girl sits on your log, and then she bounces on it or he thrusts upward…" Paul began to explain patiently. Everyone cracked up until Leah smacked Paul so hard on the head his eyes nearly crossed. A wrestling match ensued and much more teasing commenced because Leah came out on top victorious.

She was a dirty and vicious fighter.

And she was a pain in the ass when she won.

Jake peered carefully out the door of his room, making sure the coast was clear. He'd been avoiding Billy because every time they made eye contact Billy just laughed. Apparently his sex glow was still just as apparent now as it was when they did it for the first time. It was really starting to become mortifying. He'd even tried practicing a non-sex face in the mirror.

It wasn't easy, though, because he really wanted sex.

Jake hurried through the living room, kitchen, and zipped out the door before Billy made an appearance from his wood-working room. Outside, he stripped down to phase and take over for Jared. Once he was in wolf form, galloping through the forest, he could hear the other voices in his head.

_Dude, you *still* haven't had sex yet? _Paul's incredulous voice echoed in his head.

Dammit. So much for hiding that he was choking the chicken, but then again, it probably wasn't a surprise at all to anybody.

_Guess Bella's ass is still too sore for Jake's kind of loving, _Quil's snickering voice said.

He bit Quil's tail and started another wolf war.

Before he phased back after their patrol, Sam informed them of a party that Emily was having the next night for them and their girlfriends.

_Better get to the playground, Quil, _Jake snarked. _Maybe you can find a girl there to bring as your date._

Jake jumped out of the way before he got his own tail bit.

He called Bella later that night to find out if she was interested in going. _Please come, please come, please come,_ he thought desperately. He couldn't get the idea of banging her six ways to Sunday out of his head and it was making life difficult. As it was, he nearly started cheering when she agreed and said she was feeling _much _better. He leapt into the air, nearly bashing his head on the ceiling fan in his excitement.

The next night, Jake waited impatiently for Bella to show up at Sam's. He was already there, eager as a horny beaver, and nearly plowed Bella over when she walked into the house. She giggled and looped her arms around his neck, easing back a little as he practically drooled on her.

"A little excited?" Bella asked with a smirk.

"Um… a _lot _excited. Can't you tell?"

There was a very big indication right there between them, smooshed up against her thigh. Bella flushed and pulled back slightly. "Down, boy. We're in a public place."

Jake inhaled two hot dogs at once, making Bella goggle at him and made small talk before going outside where there was a small bonfire. The marshmallows were brought out and much to Jake's dismay, Charlie, Billy, Sue, and Renee showed up. They'd all been witness to some sexual misfortune and he didn't really want to see any of them.

Renee winked at him, making him flush, and Bella muffled a snort behind her hand. "Careful, Jake," she teased. "She might make a grab for your ass. Don't turn your back on her."

Ugh. And now Charlie was staring at him, looking like he had the urge to start target practice. Jake dodged them as best he could, but he ended up cornered by Chief Swan later on. "Hey, uh, Charlie," he hedged, his voice cracking. Dammit.

"Jacob," Charlie said coolly. He stared at Jake, making him feel suspiciously like a nasty, little bug. "We're in a public place, so you got lucky. But if you pull any kind of stupid teenage boy thing around my little girl, I'll introduce you to my gun. Got it?"

Jake nodded weakly, assuring him that he loved Bella. He felt mildly sick to his stomach before escaping Charlie. He breathed a sigh of relief when the parental units left the party awhile later.

"Dude, we should play spin the bottle!" Quil exclaimed suddenly.

"What are you… twelve?" Leah said with a snicker.

But in the end, the game won out. A coin was tossed and Bella got to spin first. Jake crossed his fingers, praying it landed on him. "Oh shit," he muttered when it landed on Embry instead.

Embry gave him an evil grin as he leaned in toward Bella, puckering his lips. Just as Embry's monstrous, nasty fish lips touched his girlfriend's, Jake shot his hand between them and smacked him in the forehead with an open palm.

"Dude, you gave me whiplash!" Embry growled as his head jerked back. He dove at Jake.

When Leah landed on Bella, Jake felt his cock snap to attention so fast the blood rush from his head to his cock made him feel dizzy. Holy fucking boner! He stared in dazed amazement as Leah took Bella's head in her hands and kissed her. He nearly came when he thought he saw a flash of tongue. When Leah sat back, Bella was beet red and in shock.

And Jake's cock was straining so much, he was afraid to move. Finally, he coughed awkwardly and nudged Bella when he had the chance. She knew what he wanted, so they made their excuses – pathetic he was sure if the laughter was any indication – and high tailed it out of there.

He couldn't believe how lucky he was that Billy wasn't there. He didn't know where he was or cared as he dragged Bella to his room. It was going to be fast and furious anyway. He practically dove on her, thrilled when she was just as impatient.

"Hm, you missed this hot bod, didn't you?" he said. Oops, he didn't mean to say that, but Bella giggled.

He nearly inhaled her tongue as he ripped at her clothes. She pushed him down into his desk chair, climbed on top, and lowered herself onto him as soon as he struggled to get the condom on. Damn, he needed to master this. Bella was on him like flies on shit, and he loved it. She bounced on him eagerly, taking what she wanted, but all of a sudden he felt a stabbing pain.

"OW," he gasped. What the?

Bella eased back, but Jake winced at the movement. Oh no, his cock…his poor cock; his pride and joy. He groaned again at the pain.

"Bells, I think you broke my penis."

* * *

**AN: Poor Jakey. Heh. A broken penis for his troubles! ;o) Hope you enjoyed! **

**And Happy Easter to everyone who celebrates the holiday. :o)**


	15. Chapter 15

Bella stared down at the banana on the table with trepidation. The seemingly innocuous fruit didn't look so innocent now as she thought about what she was going to do with it. She glanced over her shoulder to make sure she really was alone. She peeled the banana quickly and lifted it to her mouth before she lost her nerve. Bella figured Jake's snake was more like a cucumber in girth and maybe slightly longer, but a banana seemed a good – and safer – place to start practicing.

She inserted the banana into her mouth, sliding it back slowly, inch by inch. Bella had almost the whole banana in her mouth and was feeling quite proud of herself… until it hit the back of her throat.

She gagged just as Charlie came in the kitchen. She yanked it back as fast as she could, accidentally taking a bite of it.

_Oops. There went Jake's big 'ol snake._

_ Dammit._

She turned around then to face Charlie, grateful at least for the excuse now that she was just eating a banana and not actually trying to deep throat it. She flushed beet-red at the thought with her father just steps away from her.

Her eyes were still watering from gagging on it when Charlie glanced over at her. "I'm on lunch break and forgot my sandwich this morning," he explained. "You okay, Bells? You look pretty flushed."

"Uh…" Bella said lamely, going completely blank. "You just startled me. I almost choked on my banana. It went too far d-down my throat and… yeah."

_What the hell was wrong with her? _

Charlie gave her a weird look and Bella swallowed a chunk of banana, feeling entirely too obvious, stupid, and mortified.

"Yeah, uh, that sucks," he said.

_Oh great, now she had an even worse mental image…_

She stopped herself before she finished that thought. "I'm heading back to work now," he said. "I'll see you later." Charlie was apparently not concerned about her eating habits.

Bella smiled weakly at him and glared at the offending, half-eaten banana lying on the counter in front of her. She spent the next couple of days trying all kinds of tricks to stop her gag reflex. She used her toothbrush to find where the spot was that she began to gag and brushed it – and gagged a lot. Once she got accustomed, she continued further back. And gagged some more.

She tried making a fist with her left hand around her thumb in a desperate attempt to see if what Jess told her worked. It sort of worked, but not well enough. She tried relaxing her mind and breathing deep while she tried to inhale part of a cucumber in her last attempt before her and Jake's two month anniversary. She'd gagged big-time. Apparently she needed to relax more.

He'd never asked her, but she knew he'd thought about it. In one of their fumbling sexual experiments, he'd spoken his thoughts again without realizing it. Bella had giggled at him, but realized she'd have to get over this nervousness because she really wanted to surprise him.

On the day he was set to come to her house when Charlie left for work, Bella called Angela in a panic. "Angela, IwanttogiveJakeaBJbutI'mfreakingout!" she practically yelled.

"Woah, what?" Angela asked with a startled laugh. "Wait… uh, was that something about giving a blow job?" Bella could practically hear her blush through the phone. She was glad she had one friend who was a little shy about this stuff, too, which was why Bella called her.

"Yes," Bella admitted. "Everything I read says it's, uh… slimy. And kind of gross. I'm afraid of choking on Jake's, you know, and what if he comes in my mouth? What if it tastes like rancid, chunky milk?"

"Oh my God!" Angela squealed. "Bella, that's disgusting! I don't want to give a blowjob ever again."

Suddenly, Bella had a massive case of the giggles and so did Angela.

When they calmed down, Angela said, "Bella, you just need to try and relax. Just remember to do a hand job at the same time. It helps with not having to inhale the whole penis."

That was a good idea. "But, do you swallow? Is it really bad?"

"Yes, and well… it's best not to think about it. And swallow sort of fast. I can't believe I'm saying all this!"

Bella was glad, though, and relaxed a little more. She asked a few more questions and felt a fraction better when Jake got there. He bounded his way inside, his usual exuberant self, and kissed her so hard she fell back into the refrigerator. Bella giggled, pushing him back. "You're like an over-eager puppy!" She was glad he recovered from his broken penis quickly, though.

Jake made her relax a little more as he was always so happy to see her and loved trying to please her. "I can't help it, baby, you make me horny," he said with a leer.

Bella snorted and led him upstairs. "Good. I have a surprise for you." She decided to do it right away and get it over with. So, when Jake wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at her, Bella urged him to sit on the bed.

He turned some mood music on and out spilled:

_"Cos I'm a model you know what I mean  
And I do my little turn on the catwalk,  
I shake my little tush on the catwalk  
I'm too sexy for my cat  
Poor pussy cat" _

Bella looked up at him and shook her head. "Nice song, Jake," she said trying to muffle a laugh. He gave her an innocent smile. His smile froze, his eyes widening when Bella unzipped his pants and pulled them down his legs. She had to lean down because of his long legs and his fire hose nearly poked her in the eye.

"Peter should come with a warning," Jake said leaning back. "He's always poking you."

Bella cracked up. "You think highly of your fire hose, don't you?"

He grinned, but Bella managed to wipe the smirk off his face when her mouth closed over the tip. _Hmm, smooth… and firm. And sort of salty. _She wrapped her hand around the base like Angela said, even though her hand was shaking a little. "Mmm, yeah," Jake murmured. "Wrap those lips around my sexy meat…"

Bella smacked his thigh, making him splutter in embarrassment.

Jake's grunts and his hips trembling made her a little more confident as she made a fist with her left hand, but when he got a little over-excited, Bella's eyes widened in fear. He'd thrust and for a second she was afraid she was going to choke to death on his snake. As it was, she gagged and accidentally bit slightly. He yelped, and they both turned beet red.

When her lips felt numb, her tongue tired of stroking, she felt the tremor. It didn't take long and she barely had time to adjust before there was a flood. Angela and Jessica had been right; it wasn't pleasant. It was overwhelming, slimy, and she gagged anyway. Afraid of puking, she managed to swallow quickly - at least some of it. Overwhelmingly embarrassed, she felt some dribble down her chin. _Oh God._

Jake was thrilled, though, and that was enough. Wearily she slid into bed, laughing as he kissed her over and over in thanks, ready for round two as he hopped on top of her like the oversexed teen he was.

* * *

**AN: Hope you enjoyed. ;o) By the way, I was thinking of doing about twenty of these, since I still have a few more ideas. I just wanted to let you all know. So, we have at least five more after this… which will be a little over a month of them. Sound good? :o)**


	16. Chapter 16

All Jake could think about was what Bella had done for him. Everything reminded him of it. He could be writing out the grocery list, biting the end of the pen as he thought. _Bella's lips wrapped around him…_

He had pulled a Popsicle out of the freezer the other night and eating it made him think of his peter disappearing into Bella's mouth. Hell, he'd been vacuuming and the hose reminded him of major suckage and his own hose.

"Oh God," Jake groaned aloud. His mind was stuck on an endless blow job time loop. It was torturous.

Jake decided it was his turn to repay the favor. And hopefully get some in return, so he decided to pull out all the stops. Bella was supposed to come to his house tomorrow night since it was card night for Billy which always ran late, so he went to a sex shop in Port Angeles. That was an interesting experience. Jake tripped over a display rack when he saw the huge, sparkly schlong glowing in the darkened store. Well, at least the girl who got that would never lose it. The clerk had given him a sly wink as he was leaving, which made Jake mildly embarrassed.

He'd bought Bella a sex toy already, though, and for some reason buying one of those in an actual store was a little more awkward than what he had bought. He had candles, massage oils in different flavors, and he picked up an industrial-sized box of condoms.

When he got home, he called Bella. "Hey, how's my little Hoover vacuum?" he asked.

He muffled a laugh as she squawked, "Jacob!"

"Sorry, sorry," he amended. "I mean, how's my little deep-throater?"

He could practically hear her embarrassment through the phone as she spluttered and finally laughed. "What do you want, you chronic masturbator?" she asked making him laugh.

He hid his purchases as soon as he made it to his room and said, "Phone sex."

She laughed. "You're hopeless, Jake."

"I just wanted to tell you I'm looking forward to tomorrow night," he said. "I got a few surprises for you."

"Your surprises are always a bit disconcerting," she said with a worried giggle.

He reassured her it was a good surprise. After he hung up, and right after he busted a nut, his dad thumped on his door. "I'm home. Stop whacking off, son, and get outside and clean up those branches please."

Jake groaned. Why did his father have to know everything he was doing without _actually_ knowing?

He got a frantic phone call from Emily a little while later. "I'm so sorry, Jake," she said her tone worried. "I have a huge favor to ask of you and Bella."

This didn't sound good.

"Could you possibly watch Claire for a few hours tomorrow night? Her parents are helping mutual friends of ours move all day tomorrow with me and Sam. Quil's patrolling in the evening, so he's out of the question. Everyone seems to have plans they can't break and her parents can only watch her for awhile."

Oh man. How could he say no, though?

He reluctantly agreed. Bella was hesitant, but agreed as well. There went his dirty sex plans. He and Bella found themselves the next night trying to get Claire to eat dinner as soon as soon her mom left.

"I don't wanna," Claire pouted, crossing her arms over her chest, sticking her lower lip out for emphasis. "Broccoli cassawole stinks."

Jake sort of agreed, but he took a huge bite to show Claire it was oh-so-yummy. She giggled when he dropped broccoli on his lap. _Nice. _Bella looked like she wanted to giggle, too, but refrained.

It took some coaxing, watching them eat, until she finally took a few bites. She scrunched her nose up and went, "Blehhhh," and broccoli pieces flew everywhere. Oh great, even better. By the time dinner was done, all three of them had broccoli in their hair. Bella offered to clean up, but that left Jake to try and entertain their little guest.

"Dolls!" Claire yelled at him when he asked her what she wanted to play with. He winced at the shrill squeal of her voice. Super-sensitive wolf hearing and little girls imitating banshees was rather painful. How did Quil bear it?

He pulled her dolls out of the bag, hoping she'd be happy playing by herself, but that wasn't the case. When Bella came into the room, he looked up at her mournfully, and she began laughing so hard she nearly fell over. Claire had insisted he was her own personal doll and put a pink hat on his head, pink lipstick on his lips, and had a sparkly, purple feather boa wrapped around his neck.

"Jake, you look so pretty," she said with a deadpan expression.

It didn't take long for Claire's attention span to do a complete one-eighty, and she decided squealing like a stuck pig and racing all around his house was fun. For like an hour. It was _not _fun. His head was hurting by the end of it, but at least it was bath time. That was going to be Bella's domain.

She insisted he be in the room, though, so he perched on the toilet seat while she wrestled Claire's clothes off as she whined and squirmed about bath time. "Oooh, look at the rubber ducky," Bella said trying to distract her. It didn't work.

Jake gave a piercing wolf-whistle, stopping her short, so Bella could plunk her in the tub. She was fine after that, but apparently she thought bath-time included _all _of them. They were both wet by the end. Bella grimaced at him. He held Claire down – not really caring if that was appropriate – while Bella got her pajamas on. She wanted to read the same book about six times, needed a drink of water, whined and cried for her mom, had to pee about three times until she finally crashed.

"She's the best birth control ever," Bella whimpered as they escaped to his room. He nodded fervently, not even positive he wanted to have sex anymore. But lying there, he began to feel in the mood eventually.

He eased over Bella, smiling wickedly. "Really?" she asked. She was trying not to laugh.

"She's asleep; might as well make the most of the night." He lit the candles, pulled out the huge box of condoms. "Plus, you're on the pill, and I got us covered. No kids for us!"

She laughed and then moaned when he dove between her legs. She was warm and soft, so he motor-boated her down there making her squeak and laugh. "Freak," she teased. But soon she was arching and he drove his tongue in, feeling rather proud of himself as he got her off. He moved back up then, his cock throbbing madly. He sheathed himself and dove in.

"Woah there, cowboy," she gasped. They set a rhythm after banging foreheads.

The bed was squeaking, but suddenly Jake heard, "What are you doing?"

"Oh shit!" Jake winced, grabbing the covers frantically. Oh no. Claire.

Jake was sitting on the couch, Bella next to him ten minutes later when Sam, Emily, and Claire's mom came in. Claire sleepily laid her head on her mom's shoulder. "I had fun with Jake and Bewwa. We played, and I saw Jake laying on Bella. He made funny noises. And I found this," she said showing them a condom. "And Jake said a bad word. And their bed was squeaking."

All Jake could do was wish the floor would open up and swallow him.

* * *

**AN: Ahh. The perils of children. ;oP hehe Hope you had fun with this one… I certainly did! And this one is for Jacob's Imprint *~April*~ for her idea of baby-sitting Claire. Hope you enjoyed, hun… thanks for the idea. Lol**

**By the way, on to a more serious thing: I'm writing an OS most likely for Fandom4Autism and definitely one for the Leukemia & Lymphoma cause (Fandom4LLS). I honestly need some new ideas, so I decided to ask those that read my stuff. Will credit you for any ideas I incorporate into them. I'm feeling a bit stale on that. You can me at twitter, send me a PM or whatever if you so desire. And be sure to keep an eye out for info on them. The LLS one is especially close to my heart since I just lost a relative to leukemia. So, any help is appreciated and if you so desire the compilations keep an eye out for info on them. :o)**


	17. Chapter 17

Bella kept peeking out her bedroom window. Jake was supposed to sneak into her room tonight. Charlie was at work, but she knew he was sending a squad car around to check on her. Or rather to make sure she was alone. It was nerve-wracking and embarrassing. He knew about what happened when they babysat Claire. Sam and Emily had remained quiet and even Claire's mom had. She really hoped his deputies didn't ask why.

It was Claire that told Quil, who in turn found it hysterical and harassed Jake about it at the bonfire. Someone must've overheard something for Charlie to find out.

"Dude, you got caught by a two-year old!" he had said laughing hysterically. "Bed-squeaking, grunting..."

All of them were laughing while Bella stood nearby, frozen in one spot and utterly mortified.

Jake punched Quil in the chest. "Man, you're girlfriend is _such _a cockblocker. That's really going to suck for you."

In a split second, Jake had turned it around on Quil. Still embarrassed, she had to laugh. He was often teased by them, but she was glad to see that he knew how to handle them.

Sam coughed, trying to cover his laugh, but admitted sheepishly, "Look, it's hysterical, but it's not fun to go through. It almost happened to me and Emily when we agreed to watch Claire awhile back. We just got lucky. Claire's a bit, uh, hard to handle."

"Hard to handle? She's like a motor mouth banshee, peeping tom, and tattle-tale all rolled into one," Jake muttered.

Quil punched Jake in the chest. "Watch yourself, man."

"Oh wait. She hangs around you. No wonder."

Bella and the rest of the girls just laughed and shook their heads as a wrestling match ensued. Boys.

Bella glanced out the window again, screeched when she saw the face in her window, and tripped over her desk chair and tumbled to the floor. Jake quickly opened the window and helped her up. "Oh honey, are you okay?"

Flushed, Bella allowed him to pull her up. "I wasn't expecting you to be right there. I'm fine." She awkwardly smoothed her clothes and felt stupid for keeping such a close watch.

He smoothed his hands down her back, her butt, and her legs making her raise her eyebrows. "Wow, no preamble, huh?"

He laughed. "I was just making sure you were okay, but yeah, copped a feel while I was at it. I'm still a sixteen year old guy."

She smirked and said, "So, did you bring a movie? I have popcorn and soda ready downstairs."

They headed down, and Bella situated herself where she could keep an eye on the front door. "Just to warn you," she said to Jake when he dropped down next to her, "Charlie is keen on catching us up to no good. Ever since he overheard that conversation at the bonfire, he's been sending his deputies around trying to catch us. He hasn't said a word to me, though, except that he knew what happened and would castrate you one of these days."

"Ooh," Jake said and tossed a handful of popcorn in his mouth. "Living on the wild side, eh, Bells? I like a bad girl," he said leering at her and pinning her to the couch.

Bella giggled and shoved him off of her. "Eat your popcorn and behave."

They watched over half the movie when Bella heard loud knocking on the front door. _Oh shit! _Jake dove behind the couch – literally – and Bella, trying not to laugh at the sight, hurried to answer the door. Thankfully she still had her clothes on; she just had to button her shirt.

It was one of the younger deputies, the newer one, if she remembered correctly. He shined his flashlight into the darkened kitchen. "Just checking in on you," he said smiling innocently. "It's pretty dark in there."

He was scoping her out! Bella's face heated immediately. "I was, uh, watching a movie," she muttered.

"Oh?" he asked. He was undressing her with his eyes! "Sounds very innocent. And pleasant. Mind if I check it out with you for a second?"

Jake came swaggering into the kitchen and stumbled over the laundry basket at the bottom of the steps. He quickly regained his footing and moved up behind her. Oh no, now Charlie was going to channel Lorenna Bobbit and chop off Jake's fire hose; she was rather fond of it, too.

"Problem?" Jake asked moving into the flashlight beam. He was only sixteen, a klutz when it came to her, but he was still huge. The deputy's eyes widened in shock.

"Uh…" the deputy said before standing up straighter. "Just making sure things are okay here." He laid his hand on his holster.

"Go ahead make my day," Jake said.

The deputy tried to back away smoothly, but he stumbled a little. "You won't be telling my da-Chief Swan will you?" Bella asked hastily.

"No, no, not at all," he assured her and hurried away.

After he left, Bella turned to Jake and sighed, "Clint Eastwood, Jake? Really?"

He threw her over his shoulder, gave a Tarzan chest-thumping yodel, and hauled her upstairs. Bella snickered, "My beastly hero."

He began kissing her. He still French-kissed her like he was going spelunking for treasure. It still made her giggle he lost all finesse in bed, but it really did turn her on as well. She wound her legs around his waist, fisted his hair, and battled him for dominance. He worked her clothes off and pushed her breasts up to explore them with his mouth.

He was like a man dying of thirst when he worked his way to her boobs. She often wondered if he'd eventually figure out how to milk her. She snickered at the thought, but smiled when he looked at her. His fingers found that slick spot and began rubbing. He'd gotten really good at this. Bella tilted her head back and hips up as she moaned.

Once he made her explode, he murmured, "Let's try something new."

That wasn't a comforting thought, but in the end, he wanted to try doggy-style. Okay, why not? Biting her lip, feeling silly and embarrassed, Bella waited on hands and knees. When it took a minute for anything to happen, she looked worriedly over her shoulder. "Right hole, Jake."

He snorted and fumbled a little on the way in, but did it without any major mishaps. She relaxed a little because it _did _feel good. He was thrusting slowly and rubbing her behind in the process. Okay, a little weird, but he was enjoying himself. Suddenly, he smacked her ass when he thrust…and again.

"Giddyup," he mumbled.

"Jake, I'm not a horse," she said dryly, trying not to laugh. "I'm not going to neigh for you."

She giggled when she caught his flush, but he continued until they both came. He'd managed five thrusts this time, so Bella was thrilled. It felt incredible and she told him so.

Snuggling under the covers, Bella relaxed even more, but her eyes flew open at the noticeable ripping sound in the air. Oh no, did she just…? "Shit," she gasped stricken with embarrassment. She'd been _too _relaxed!

Jake's hand was over his mouth, muffling a laugh. "I don't think that was shit, Bells. I think you just farted."

Bella pulled the covers over her head and Jake lost it. "I wouldn't do that, honey. You don't want to trap yourself in there with that."

She died of mortification while Jake died of laughter.

* * *

**AN: Ah, the joys of the first fart. And in bed. *awkward* LOL Hope you enjoyed! ;P **


	18. Chapter 18

Jake leapt and caught the football that was barreling straight toward his head. He caught it and took off down the beach, weaving and dodging, as some of his pack brothers chased him. Managing to evade Paul yet again, he launched the ball to Embry, who caught it and scored.

"You are such a son of a bitch," Paul bitched. Jake knew he was pissed because he couldn't catch him.

"Don't you mean a _faster-than-you _son of a bitch?" Jake taunted. Harassing Paul was like poking an angry bull, but pissing him off was always so much damn fun.

Paul's face got red as expected, he even snorted like a bull, and then he charged Jake. It was worth the kidney punch he received. When Paul tackled him a second later, Jake couldn't help laughing.

"The red face, the snort, and the charge? That's, like, your mating call isn't it, Paul? No wonder you don't have a girlfriend." Jake suffered another kidney punch before he managed to knee Paul in the gut and get him in a headlock. The wrestling match ensued as Jake laughed and Paul steamed.

Paul smirked when he pinned Jake. "At least I didn't set off a fire alarm while having sex and having her father, the police chief, catch us. Or have a girl's hair get stuck in my zipper while…"

Jake bucked and effectively kicked him off, launching him into the air. "At least I'm actually getting some," he snickered.

The wrestling match ended moments later, and Jake sat in the sand laughing with Paul like old pals. Sometimes it was really great being a guy. The football game continued for a little bit afterward, but soon they were all sprawled in the sand relaxing.

"You know, Claire told me and her mom the other day that she wants to make her bed squeak like Jake and Bella did," Quil said innocently and out of the blue.

Everyone was rolling on the sand as Jake nailed Quil in the head with the football. "Dude!" Quil exclaimed. "It's the truth. She was even singing a song she accidentally overheard. 'Face down, ass up, that's the way we like to truck…' "

Jake's stomach hurt from laughing now. "You're shitting me."

"No, man, and she literally sang truck. Probably a good thing. She caught me listening to it."

"What, Jake's face down, ass up?" a female voice said from behind. "That doesn't surprise me. You're such a whore, Jake." It was Leah of course arriving late.

Jake swiped her foot out from under her and another wrestling match ensued. She gave as good as she got, which was one of the reasons Jake admired her. And he had to admit she had a nice ass. She strode away, shaking sand out of her hair, and left a parting shot.

"If that was any indication of how you sex it up, you better be careful. _I _could pleasure Bella better than that."

She aimed low; right for the cock. Just the thought was enough to have his loins aching like a bruise. It was still on his mind when he showered, whacked off, got dressed, and headed to Bella's again. Charlie working the night shift was the greatest thing _ever_.

In fact, it was still on his mind when he was nestled comfortably on her bed. She was sprawled on top of him, a porno playing in the background. He peeked over her shoulder to see the man grunting like a rhino as the woman rode him, howling, "Ohhhh yes, baby, harder!"

Jake felt his cock officially springing to major attention. Bella noticed and raised an eyebrow at him. "Uh, a little excited, are we? I just felt a major salute."

He snickered. She wiggled against him, making him groan, but resumed snuggling with him. Snuggling with Bella was nice, but when he saw the woman go down on the hairy jungle of another woman, he desperately wanted something more. His cock was practically drooling. Literally.

His hand was between her thighs now, and he closed his eyes. "If you did another woman, like Leah, that'd be so hot," he mumbled. His eyes flew open in shock just as Bella froze. _Oh shit, that was out loud! Again!_

Bella eyed him warily. "Jake, I love you, but are you kidding me?"

He flushed, trying to rid the image of Leah and Bella…

"Jake!"

He couldn't help it. The horror on her face had him cracking up. He resumed his idle stroking, assuring her, "No, Bells, it's just me and you tonight. I wouldn't do that to you!" But he'd think about it. And beat the meat. _A lot._

Finally Bella began moving against him. It was the move that alerted him that she was now totally into humping like bunnies. And man did he want to hump like a bunny! When her mouth met his, he flipped her over, but he forgot the bed was too small. Yelping, she grabbed hold of him and they tumbled to the floor in a mess of bedcovers.

"Uh… oops," he murmured, flustered.

She giggled and rolled her eyes. "Having sex with you is always an adventure."

They got themselves back on the bed, and Jake _really _wanted her to sit on his lap like the porno lady. It looked awesome, and he could spank her. God, he loved spanking Bella. She already had a sneaking suspicion he loved her ass, but she allowed certain things. So, he asked her and was thrilled that she was receptive to the idea.

He bounced to a sitting position, hauling her onto his lap. Bella sniggered. "Okay, overeager puppy, let's do this."

Jake caught a nipple in his mouth first. _Mmmm… boob! If he could feast on her boobs, he'd never be hungry again. _When Bella muffled a giggle, he tried not to groan. What the hell was wrong with him? His filter would never come back. He stuck a finger inside her to distract her from his embarrassment. Wow, that was effective.

Once he managed to sheath himself with the condom, a hand-shaking struggle to do so with her helping him, she lowered herself onto him. It was like a long, slippery slide down a water tube. He'd never think of a theme park the same way again.

Jake gritted his teeth, still struggling to rein in his horniness and keep from exploding too soon, and he began to jerk his hips upward. After a few jerky moments, and Bella's head banging into his chin with his exuberant thrusts, they found a rhythm. Jake held on to that perfect, lily-white ass and tried not to die from a massive boner.

To distract himself, he began smacking her ass when she moved down. She'd move up, down, and then he'd smack. Up, down, smack. Up, down, smack. It felt _so _damn good. Unfortunately, he got off track and smacked when Bella rose instead, and he smacked his ball sack just as he came.

"Shit!" he yelled. He saw stars from the combination.

He didn't even know where Bella landed because he couldn't see. His balls ached and it had blinded him! Jake collapsed on the floor, cupping his damaged wee-wee, and just whimpered. Faintly, he could hear Bella calling out to him in worry. She came back and pressed a cool washcloth to his cock.

"If I die, Bells, don't worry. It was all worth it," he grunted.

* * *

**AN: Yeah, I found this mishap on the internet and it amused me. LOL Evil, I know! Hope you had fun with it, though. ;o) And this Leah/Bella thing has *totally* given me an idea. Heh. **


	19. Chapter 19

Bella met up with Jessica and Angela for breakfast, eager to see them. Now that she actually managed to _have _sex, she could contribute more to the sex conversations. Well, she'd eliminate the fact that she got stabbed in the ass, fell off a bed, gagged on Jake's fire hose, or had him curled up in the fetal position on the floor after he managed to nail himself in the nuts.

They certainly didn't need to know _all _the detail; at least not those. She ordered her breakfast and moments later, the conversation turned to sex. It never failed.

"So, how's the sex life going?" Jessica asked with a wink. "Mike and I have progressed to doing it standing up."

Bella was afraid of trying that. Jake might drop her in all his excitement. Angela laughed and said, "I thought you tried that before?"

Jess looked embarrassed as she muttered, "We did. He dropped me, the idiot. This time he didn't, though."

They all laughed, and Bella was relieved that even with as many mishaps as they've had, at least it wasn't _just _her. They continued discussing the various positions until Jess finally brought up a subject that had been nagging at the back of Bella's mind since the nut-smacking sexcapade.

"He's so into woman-on-woman porn," Jess said, exasperated. She rolled her eyes emphasizing the point. "Sometimes I think he pretends he's a woman when we have sex just to satisfy that little fantasy."

Bella glanced up from her omelet, surprised, and Angela groaned. "Tell me about it! Ben has already told me he'd be all for that."

"So, they've, um, said that they'd want to watch you and another…" Bella trailed off, too embarrassed to finish.

Jessica sighed dramatically. "_All _the time!"

"You know we should torment them and pretend we're going to do it just to fake them out," Angela said deviously.

At the same time, they all locked eyes. Bella saw identical grins on both their faces and knew it matched hers. They began to plan it out, but Bella knew she'd have to get Leah involved in this and didn't know how. She wasn't sure if she could force herself to call Leah and mention it, especially since it was like propositioning her. Even the thought of anything remotely sexual with Leah – or any female – made her flush all over in embarrassment.

The next day, she met up with her friends at the beach, feeling smug with her idea of getting Leah involved. Jake had promised to meet her there later, as had Ben and Mike. He had said in passing that Leah was going to be there with a couple friends, and Bella knew Leah wouldn't be able to resist the idea if she _overheard _them talking about it. Wolf hearing could really come in handy.

"We should just lean in like we're about to kiss. Make it look all sexy," Jessica said after they spread their towels out. She said it quietly, but Bella knew Leah would hear them.

"That'll get them all riled up," Angela said with a giggle. "Two females kissing in bikinis? It'd be like their wildest dream come true."

Leah turned her head slightly, just as Bella hoped, and eyed them for a moment. She tossed her short, choppy hair, but didn't say anything. When Bella said, "Yeah, Jake won't know what to do with himself," Leah got up.

She came over, eyebrow cocked, and said, "If you're planning what I think you're planning, I'll help with that." Her daredevil smirk in place, she waved a hand to Emily and Kim, and dropped down next to them. She couldn't believe the other girls were willing to do this, too.

Leah heard Jake and the pack approaching a half hour later, Mike and Ben close behind. Jessica leaned back on her arms, her large breasts almost popping out of her top. Bella glanced down at her own boobs. They weren't as impressive. She started when Leah tugged her bikini top down, giving her more cleavage. _Well, okay. _She fretted because she didn't realize the pack was going to be here, too.

"Just in time," Jessica purred, loving the audience. The bigger the better. The guys stopped short. Bella tried not to laugh; they all looked like their brains had short-circuited and all they could do was stare. It was most likely because of Leah's hand rubbing her thigh.

"Yeah, I don't know why women don't just date women," Leah said seductively. Bella eyed her warily. For someone so tough, she could do sexy unbelievably well. "We know how to please."

Her expression could only be described as evil as she leaned in. She could see Emily leaning in toward Angela, Kim leaning in toward Jessica, but Bella's eyes shot open in utter shock when Leah _did _kiss her. She'd done it before, but her hands were on Bella's thighs, and she _really _kissed her. All she could smell was Leah, and she freaked when Leah's hands slid up her sides to give her breasts a squeeze and she brought Bella's hands up to _her _breasts!

It all happened so fast. Leah pulled away while Bella sat there, frozen in embarrassment. Her face was probably scarlet, but she was minutely turned on and pleased at the look on Jake's face. He looked like he was shock and about to explode all at once. Abruptly, he coughed and hoisted her up off the ground. "We, uh, have to go."

There was weak laughter from the guys, but she knew they'd effectively turned everyone on in the process. Leah's cackle could be heard clearly. Jake speed-walked her to his house, which thankfully wasn't far and was empty, and he hurried her to the bedroom.

"You… she… kiss… boob…"

Bella gave a snorting giggle while Jake turned into a babbling two year old. "Tease," he grunted and hoisted her up and pinned her to the wall. She laughed again when he had to lower her to get her clothes off. She'd rendered him nearly useless. Once he got his jeans off and the condom on, he had her pinned to the wall again.

"Jake, don't drop me," Bella said worriedly. He snorted, but held her tighter.

He was so wound up that his fire hose was practically shaking, which amused her. Jake met her eyes just as he positioned himself right where he needed to be. "You. Evil," he muttered. "In the best possible way."

He pretty much hammered her into the door, and Bella worried he'd break it. His fingers laced with hers, his mouth on hers, as he gasped, "This is your fault. I can't hold back."

It didn't matter; it felt amazing. He grunted like a wildebeest and thrust so hard, Bella thought his fire hose could've made it all the way into her stomach. It didn't last long; three shuddering thrusts did him in. He focused on stroking between her thighs to help her along, and Bella gasped as she came.

"Oh… Leah…" she whispered and started laughing really hard. Jake gave her the evil eye, but he started laughing to.

"So hot," he groaned.

The laughter was cut short when he pulled out, though. Oh God, where was the condom?!

They both stared down at his bare, and now flaccid, cock. Jake looked shocked, and Bella whimpered. Carefully, he slid a finger into her to feel around, but nothing came out. "Oh no!" Bella screeched. "It's _in _me! What's going to happen? Do I have to go to the doctor?" she wailed.

Jake held on to her while Bella frantically wondered what to do. "Just, uh, relax. Let's try to figure this out."

She lay on his bed with him while he held her. This was so creepy. After awhile, Bella sniffled and pulled her top on. She really had to pee after all that activity, so she left Jake behind and went to the bathroom. While peeing, Bella heard a little _ploop, _and jumped up.

"Holy crap! I just peed out a condom!"

Jake was staring at her in shock while Leah and Rachel, who just came in, began to laugh hysterically. Billy was behind them and sighed, "Well, at least you understood the no glove, no love conversation."

* * *

**AN: Ha! I can't say peeing out a condom sounds very fun. Heh. But hey, why not? What can't these two do? Lol Hope you enjoyed! **

**By the way, if you're interested, you still have until the 10****th**** to purchase stories written by me and a number of other amazing authors through Jacob Black 'n Pack. The money is being raised to support the international charity Autism Speaks. They're asking for a $5.00 minimum donation, you email your receipt to JBnP, and you'll receive the compilation first before any of the stories can be posted elsewhere. The information is on their site: jacobblack – n – pack dot ning dot com / group / jbnp4autism. **


	20. Chapter 20

Jake nudged Emily's cat, Shim, off of his leg. She growled at him, ears back. Why the hell did he ever agree to watch this beast for a couple days for her and Sam? He started to open his door, but heard Billy come into the house and groaned to himself. He was just about to head out to meet up with the guys and now he had to bypass his father. He knew about Bella peeing a condom out of her hoo-hah. It was awkward enough with his sister and Leah harassing him at every turn, but his dad, too? And Bella wouldn't get anywhere near Billy, she was that embarrassed.

He decided he'd use his practice of creeping through the house like he did in the forest as a wolf. So, he headed out quietly, walking on the sides of his feet like he'd always been taught. Pleased with his stealthy creeping, Jake almost made it to the door before Billy spoke.

"Where are you going, son?"

Jake cringed, one hand on the doorknob. _Damn! _He wasn't sure he believed that Billy wasn't a wolf at one time. His hearing was annoyingly supernatural. Jake debated opening the door and taking off, but he knew Billy would just find reason to harass him later. "Meeting up with the guys," he said. "We're going cliff diving."

"It's cold out there," he said mildly, confusing Jake. "Make sure you're _protected_."

Jake rolled his eyes, groaning inwardly. "Yeah, thanks, dad," he said sarcastically.

Billy rolled into the kitchen, eyes sparkling. "Oh, and be careful with your stuff. You don't want it blowing off the cliff and _plopping _into the water."

Jake's face was beginning to feel hot. He needed to escape. "Later, dad," he muttered, hurrying out the door.

Even though he was nearly in the forest he still heard, "Careful when you jump! Keep your mouth closed. You never know what will end up _inside_."

He could hear his dad's cackle as he got in his car. Christ, his dad was evil. He took way too much pleasure in torturing him. Jake still felt the heat in his face from blushing. When he reached the top of the cliffs, hot from running up the trail, the guys were already there. Leah was slouching against a tree, and she gave him a wicked grin when she saw him.

He'd had to beg her to stay quiet about this. She was blackmailing him, and it was beginning to wear thin already. She made him clean her toilet, take over a couple inconvenient patrols, and say he liked women but enjoyed a little man-on-man from time to time in a crowd of people. His pack already knew enough of his other sexual disasters, why not one more?

Jake ignored her and ripped his shirt off without preamble. "You pussies ready to jump?" he asked immediately.

"Pussy? Psht. I _got _pussy last night." Jared's smile was smug.

"Dude, we don't care about your imaginary girlfriend," Quil griped.

"Come on, Jake," Paul taunted. "Show us how it's done. I'm sure we could all benefit since you're so good at everything. Like how you manage to not kill yourself or Bella during sex…"

Jake cut him off as everyone began howling. He ripped his shorts off, striding up to the cliff's edge. "Have _you _had sex lately, Paul?" He winked at him, successfully pissing him off. It was just too easy.

He stretched his arms up, gave his Tarzan yell, and bounced on the balls of his feet.

"Fuck, man! Stop waggling your junk around. You're like Tarzan with the Crooked Wang," Quil groused.

Embry laughed so hard, he began coughing.

Leah snickered, eyeing Jake. "Or Tarzan and his _little _buddy."

He gave her a smirk and a wiggle. She rolled her eyes and everyone laughed. "So, Jake, I heard a funny story…" Leah started. He launched himself at her, startling her into jumping backwards.

"Gross! Keep that flaccid thing away from me," she snapped.

Mission accomplished. With that, he took a flying leap off the cliff and dropped like a stone.

Later that night, he managed to talk Bella into coming to his house for a little sit and spin. Billy was going to a tribal meeting and it always ran late because those old men gossiped like a bunch of little, old ladies. He was sprawled on his bed with his hand down his pants when Bella came into his room.

She just shook her head. "Really Jake? You couldn't even wait fifteen minutes for me to get here?"

He laughed and lifted his hips for her. "Here, you can take over."

She snickered at him. He decided he could wait just a little, so they snuggled and talked for a little bit. He told her about his cliff-diving and she couldn't stop giggling. "It is so weird that you're always naked around them and vice versa."

He shrugged, smiling. Her laugh always made his cock perk up. "We're just so used to it. But only _you _get to be up close and personal with my_ big _friend."

She snorted, rolling on top of him.

"Come on, baby, let's do it like they do on the discovery channel."

"Or we can try the humpty dance. It's your chance to do the hump," he continued.

She cracked up and when he opened his mouth with another winner, she kissed him and effectively shut him up, so he went spelunking. He could feel her laugh vibrating against his chest.

He could smell her, that intoxicating and non-fishy smell, and he wanted to bury his face in her thighs.

Bella snorted. "Thanks, Jake. I'm glad you think so."

He groaned, but she just smirked and slid her way down his body. Her mouth around his cock always drove him up a wall. "Woah, cowboy," she said, trying to hold his hips down. "Stop trying to choke me."

"Oops."

She nibbled lightly, nearly sending him through the roof. Damn, she'd gotten good at this since the first time. And that had been fucking awesome as well. When he came, he thought his cock was going to shoot right off his body with the force. And ricochet around the room. It was _that _good.

He took his turn and was lapping at her when he heard a strange noise. He glanced up at Bella and she looked confused as well. "Are you _purring?_" he asked.

She flushed. "No!"

_Oh shit_. Shim was sitting there staring at them!

"Uh, Jake," Bella whispered. "There's a cat in your room."

"Cat-sitting," he said, more concerned with the buffet in front of him. He continued darting his tongue, feeling like a deep-sea diver, and Bella gave a gasp as she came.

"Jake, this is weirding me out," she admitted. "I can't continue with that cat staring at us."

It _was _creepy. Freaking voyeur cat.

But in the interest of getting laid, he said, "I'll block him from seeing you."

He moved up over her, dragging his cock in all the right spots, and making her arch. Her head was tilted back and suddenly she let out a blood-curdling scream. Super wolf hearing was _so _not good right now. He was afraid his eardrums were damaged from Bella's banshee scream as he jerked his head up to see the biggest damn spider he'd ever seen climbing up his wall.

"Holy shit!" Bella screeched.

It was like _The Tarantula_ taking place in his house. It was a monster!

He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to get near it, but suddenly a 14 pound cat came flying through the air and landed on them, making Bella scream again, and Jake try to protect their necessary sex parts. Bella accidentally kneed him in the crotch, though, and he earned a cat scratch on his ass as Shim leaped up the wall to catch the spider.

They both crashed into the wall in their haste to get away from it, sex ruined, as Shim contentedly ate the spider. Bella ran for the bathroom. Jake sighed, cupping his sore wee-wee yet again, and felt sort of ill himself. Damn cat.

* * *

**AN: Ew, just the thought creeps me out. Hehe Hope you enjoyed Shim's little adventure and the resulting chaos. ;o) Creepy animal staring does **_**not **_**sound like fun! Oh, and as far as these drabbles go… I had said initially I was going to stop at 20, but just to let you know, there will probably be two more since I had a couple more ideas. :o)**


	21. Chapter 21

Bella spread her towel out on the sand and leaned back on her elbows next to Leah, Kim, and Emily. She wanted to soak up as much as much sun as she could from the few rays of sunlight peeking through the clouds. Plus, the guys were fooling around on the beach and it always provided easy entertainment.

Embry raced down the beach from behind them, crashing through the waves as Quil and Jake pelted after him. A lot of splashing happened, obscuring them from view. When it died down, Bella couldn't help giggling. Jake had Quil in a headlock, Quil had Embry in a headlock, and then Jared charged all of them and they went down in a heap.

"Careful, you don't want to drown," Leah said dryly, the sarcasm as transparent as saran-wrap.

Jared flung seashells at her in rapid succession, but her reflexes were excellent. A wicked grin on her face, Leah turned away and disposed of her bikini top. She lay back on her towel, seashells placed strategically over her boobs.

Bella muffled a snort of laughter. The seashells were on the smaller side, and Leah's boobs weren't. All the guys were staring at her impressive boobs; mouths open like a bunch of guppies. Apparently, Leah hid herself pretty well from prying eyes when she phased.

Bella kicked sand at Jake as they all drifted closer and raised her eyebrows. He flushed and gave her a sheepish grin, water dripping from his face onto her bare stomach.

"Leah's boobs are impressive, but come on, Jake. Do I need to wear seashells, too for your attention?" She couldn't help harassing him and tried not to giggle when his eyes darted to hers and latched on.

Leah gave Bella her best come-hither look, the other girls laughing. "I knew you liked my boobs, Bella!"

She grabbed Bella's hand, placing it on the swell, making her blush and all the guys groan in unison.

Later that evening, Bella checked her email and saw she'd won a free Thai yoga massage for her and Jake. She couldn't believe her luck! She'd entered on a whim, in the hopes of being able to do something nice and non-sexual for Jake. She couldn't afford it, so she'd thought this would be a good way to try, though she didn't expect to win. Excitedly, she called and told Jake and booked the appointment right away for that evening.

It was close by, surprisingly, so they went together.

"Hi, we're here for the couple's Thai massage?" she told the receptionist. The woman grinned a little too lasciviously at Jake for her liking, but checked them in. Bella made sure Jake was following her when she was led by a man in baggy, cotton pants to a little room down the hall.

Inside, the room was lavender with off-white curtains. There were plants in the corner, leafy and green, and soft music was playing over tiny loudspeakers mounted on the wall. Two mats were placed on the floor, surrounded by blankets, and a pillow.

"We'll be in shortly," the man said in a velvety voice. "Just make yourselves comfortable on the mat."

Awkwardly, Bella sat down. Jake plopped down next to her and grinned. "This is different," he commented. "And it could be sexy."

Well…

After listening to their spiel about the massage, Bella lay frozen on her back as the man began to work his hands up along her legs. First her calves, her thighs, and her hips. Fingers dangerously close to her hoo-hah. He grinned down at her, all eyes and serene smile, as he pressed on her stomach, moving between her breasts.

He _touched_ her _boob!_

Jake was going through the same thing with the tiny, dark-haired woman standing over him. Bella saw her vigorously rub Jake's thighs. "Mmm," the man said, drawing Bella's attention back again. "You're very tense."

Bella nodded weakly and jumped when he pressed his fingers just under her butt cheek. _Oh God, when was this going to end?_

He continued manipulating her body into different positions, and Bella just squeezed her eyes shut in mortification as his hands roamed nearly everywhere. When she finally flipped over onto her stomach, Bella saw Jake glaring at the guy as he hovered over her, his hands in her hair, on her back, and at the top of her backside.

It was too intimate; almost like when Jake was touching her.

Bella met Jake's eyes, flipping again, as the tiny woman enthusiastically rubbed _his _backside. Okay, it was _probably _his back, but it was _way _too close to his ass. Annoyed, Bella winced as she was pulled upward by her arms, bringing her face-first with this man's crotch.

Jake gave a muffled Tarzan grunt. He was definitely bothered. She had a strange urge to giggle. When her legs were bent and lifted, the pressure made a horrible whoof of air shoot from her…hoo-hah?

Horrified, she didn't know what to do. It wasn't a fart if it came from there! It was a queef!

Eyes shut in embarrassment, she suffered through until the end when the man gave her a sly smile. "You like a little stroke…you know? To end?"

His eyes lowered. Bella gasped, face hotter than a bonfire. "No! No, thank you!"

The tiny woman gave Jake a wink. "You like little yank yank?" she asked suggestively.

"Not unless you want a little squirt squirt," Jake muttered. As embarrassed as she was, Bella tried to muffle a giggle.

When they got to Bella's house, Jake said, "Well, that was different. I think I'll finish off what that asshat started."

He kissed her so eagerly that their teeth squeaked together. Snickering, Bella let him carry her into the empty house. "You know, I heard a suspicious noise while we were there…" he started to say.

Bella smacked his chest, groaning. "It wasn't a fart! It was a… queef."

He cracked up, asking, "A queef, eh? I heard Paul think about that once after reading a Cosmo. Except he called it a vart."

Bella flushed, but said, "I just hope he didn't hear it. That was horrible."

He saved her further embarrassment from talking about it by continuing his fumbling moves. He groped her boobs like he'd never seen them before. He rolled over so she was perched on top of him. His fire hose was already at full-mast, poking up between her thighs as she straddled him, like a gopher poking its head out of a hole.

Instead of rolling the condom on, she decided she'd rather play. Jake was never picky about what made him explode, and they always eventually got to sex anyway, so she stroked him. Up and down, squeezing, going fast and slow. He definitely liked it if the strangled sounds coming from his throat were any indication.

"Oh yeah, like that. Maybe lick it like a lollipop."

Bella snickered while Jake flushed. One last stroke, and quite suddenly, Jake popped like the cork on a champagne bottle. "Shit!" he groused and moaned, all at once. Bella had to dive out of the way, but a little splash hit Jake on the chin.

"Holy crap," she gasped, staring down at his fire hose – definite word for it – and then up. "You nearly hit the ceiling."

Amazed, she stared at him. He wiped his chin, embarrassed, but shrugged nonchalantly. "That massage must've really loosened things up."

Bella collapsed in a fit of giggles unable to do anything else.

* * *

**AN: This was inspired by the fact that I won a Thai yoga massage last week. For real. I'm very used to my aunt who's a massage therapist giving me full-body massages, but SO not used to different styles and one that's done by a man. LOL Don't get me wrong… he was very professional, it DID feel good, but it's awkward because you do get a (fully clothed) massage and manipulation of the body. And yeah… random guy doing it even if he's professional? Sorta creepy. But I was very loose afterwards, so it did work. LOL Anyway, I thought it'd be funny to sort of mimic that and make it creepier (he did NOT offer anything creepy like they did hehe). Hope you enjoyed!**


	22. Chapter 22

Jake really wanted to do something special for Bella. Even though their massage turned out, uh, weird…it had been a nice thing for Bella to do for them. Maybe he could get dinner and surprise her when Charlie went to work the overnight shift. He could buy her flowers and they could spend some uninterrupted _private _time together.

_Wild, monkey sex._

He found out the following night that Charlie had to work. He'd use some of the money he made doing minor repairs on cars to buy a nice dinner at that café on the edge of town that had good food.

After placing a food order for dinner the next day, he was happy with the idea… and all-night sex. He whistled contentedly on his way to the garage. Later that evening, Billy had invited Charlie and Bella over for some of Sue's famous blackberry cake she'd made for them. Jake grimaced at the idea of Charlie coming along.

That was always uncomfortable.

And just as expected, when they got there, Charlie was eyeing him with a certain amount of distaste. It was a little less than last time, though, so there was that. Bella was standing behind Charlie, looking like a smorgasbord of sex.

When she flicked her ponytail, he thought of pulling it during sex. When she tugged at her t-shirt, he focused on her boobs and nearly salivated. And when they sat down to eat the cake, and Bella casually crossed her legs, he fantasized about what was between them.

_Bella licked her lips, pulling her little tank top taut against her perky boobs. Jake loved when they were free from her over-the-shoulder boulder holder; as they were meant to be. She giggled, leaning down over him, and he could just faintly see the light pink nipples through the cotton as she slid a hand up his thigh…_

Jake started slightly when Bella kicked his foot away from her. Her cheeks were slightly flushed as she inhaled a piece of cake. Oops. His foot had a mind of its own. Charlie looked up at him, looking right into him like only a cop could. He swallowed nervously, and Billy was trying to hide his smirk behind a big bite of cake.

"So, _Jacob_…" The emphasis on his name had Jake squirming uncomfortably. His rod had grown to at least partial mast during his impromptu fantasy, plus now Charlie was giving him cop eyes. "What do you plan on doing?"

He snapped his head up in surprise. _Oh shit. Does he know I'm planning a sex-filled surprise for Bella?_

Charlie raised an eyebrow slightly, waiting. Jake saw Bella mouthing at him, "He asked about school and work."

He'd missed half the question he'd been so distracted. Billy caught her mouthing and gave a snort of laughter, disguising it as a cough as Charlie turned to stare at him. It gave Jake a moment to think and he said, "Oh, I'm going to start looking into the local colleges," he said. "I still have another year after this one, but it doesn't hurt to be prepared. And I'll continue to work on cars to make some money."

When he could escape, he did. Charlie was fine with them going for a walk, so that's what they did. Jake wandered aimlessly down the path that led past homes and toward the edge of the forest. "That was real smooth, Jake," Bella teased him about his obvious daydream.

He groaned. "I'm so horny I think my dick is going to fall off."

Bella started laughing. She furrowed her brow a minute later. Jake heard it, too, and he said, "What the hell is that?"

It sounded like a wild animal.

They made it to the edge of the forest, and Jake's eyes widened in shock at the sight. Bella clapped a hand over her mouth, her face flaming. It was Paul, buck naked, and having sex. If that was what you called it. The poor girl was underneath, making little mewling sounds, but he could barely hear her over Paul.

He had a horrible urge to laugh hysterically at the scene in front of him. Bella was tugging on his hand, still staring in shock. Jake caught one more butt lift in the air, that awful sound Paul made, and hurried away with Bella in tow. When they were far enough away, Jake burst out laughing.

"I…never saw anyone having sex before. In the flesh that is. It was like a train wreck," Bella said in amazement and set Jake into a fresh round of hysterical laughter.

The following night, Jake got off patrol, in a hurry to get to Bella's before she got home from work. Charlie was gone already, so he could set up. "Dude, don't hurt yourself this time," Paul snickered.

He was _so glad _Paul said something.

With a wicked grin, Jake turned and said, "I'll be fine. At least I don't sound like a demented gorilla when I have sex in the woods. Unlike you." He imitated Paul's butt lift, the gorilla sounds, and set all the guys off. Paul's face turned beet red, but Jake took off before he could do anything. As it was, he had to dodge a shoe and knew he'd pay later.

When Bella came in the door, her face lit up, and Jake was glad he'd gone to the trouble to light candles, buy her flowers, and have a meal ready.

"This is perfect, Jake," she said, kissing him.

After they ate, they raced each other up the stairs to the bedroom. That was dangerous, he realized, as they both tripped and crashed into the wall. Bella giggled, embarrassed. "Oops."

They managed to get on the bed without destroying anything and stripped their clothes off. His cock was so hard, it was trembling. The way he was positioned, it rested on her pubes and stomach like a big, old log. Bella looked down at it and snickered.

"Little lady, there's a snake in your bush," Jake said in a cowboy drawl making her laugh harder.

"That was horrible," she teased.

Her boobs distracted him, and he stared at them, licking his lips. He gave it a poke, watching it bounce. He wished there was such a thing as a boobie field. Then he could roll around in it and watch millions of them bounce around. Just the image had him smiling, but then he realized Bella was laughing hysterically at him.

He flushed. "What? It _would _be amazing."

He leaned down to kiss them, or rather devour them like a wild animal, and fumbled around for a condom. He knocked a bunch of shit off her nightstand, cringing before he managed to locate one. He sheathed himself, and said, "Spread 'em, cowgirl. Here I come!" and thumped his chest.

Bella snorted. "Okay, cowboy," she said dryly, but obligingly spread them.

He slid in, eager as a beaver, and began pumping away. He pinned her arms above her head, licking everywhere. Her nipples were a bit wet and he discreetly wiped his mouth. Damn saliva. He gave a twisty thrust – something different - and he saw Bella's eyes widen. He groaned as he came, but Bella looked freaked out.

"What…" she gasped.

Jake pulled out, confused, and suddenly Bella was… squirting! He stared in amazement at the flood. "Are you…peeing?" Jake asked, shocked.

Bella was fire-engine red. "I felt like I had to pee that last thrust!" she wailed. She was still squirting, and he leaned closer, watching.

"Stop looking! I think you hit my g-spot," she said, calming down as she realized what it was. "I just didn't realize it would make me feel like I had to pee."

She covered herself, looking mortified yet strangely satiated, and Jake grinned proudly. He'd made her squirt!

* * *

**AN: Squirting sounds a little creepy to me. Lol This drabble took a totally different turn than what I planned, so I might have a couple more yet. I don't have many ideas left, but I'll finish off what I **_**do **_**have. So, hope you enjoyed! I could totally picture Paul lifting and displaying the butt like a gorilla, hence the sounds. That mental image is definitely amusing to me. Hehe.**


	23. Chapter 23

Bella met up with Emily, Leah, Kim, and Paul's new girlfriend Mia at Emily and Sam's house. They were going to prepare breakfast and the guys were bringing juice, coffee, and doughnuts. Inside there was more talking than cooking when Bella walked into the kitchen.

"Okay, let's ask Bella," Leah asked. Emily just shook her head, turning back to the stove.

"Ask me what?" Bella asked. Leah was leaning against the counter, smirking, and Bella bit her lip nervously. She never knew what to expect from her, especially when she had that _look _on her face.

She dropped her bag of produce when Leah said, "Have you and Jake had anal sex?"

Bella's mouth opened and closed repeatedly, but words were stuck in her throat. Why on earth did she continue to hang out with Leah? Kim was giggling, her cheeks flushed. Mia looked a bit pale.

"Um… no," Bella said faintly.

"Jake's a butt guy," Leah said decidedly. "He's probably mentioned it or hinted that he'd be into it. You ever _want _to try it? Kim likes it, Mia won't answer, and Emily just keeps shaking her head. I need some validation here that someone else thinks it's heinous."

Bella set the mushrooms, tomatoes, and green peppers on the counter before answering the question. "Jake _is _a butt guy, and he might be interested, but I'm not. It _does _sound horrible."

Leah crowed. "Good! Someone else agrees with me! I can't believe Kim likes it."

Kim was blushing even more now. "Come on, if you do it right, and he's careful, it's not so bad."

"Pft," Leah muttered, popping a raw piece of bell pepper into her mouth. "I've tried it, and I didn't like it. It's like reverse pooping a large, steel beam."

Despite the embarrassment, Bella laughed so hard at the image her stomach ached. After their bout of hysterics, Bella decided that thought alone would forever steer her away from ever trying it. Jake would just have to make-do with regular sex.

The guys got there, and Bella raised her eyebrows at Jake's split lip when he came over to loop his arms around her. "Uh, what's with your lip?" she asked. "Did you run into the door while masturbating?"

"Bella! You're such a dirty girl!"

She giggled at his expression.

"Paul planted his fist in my face for making fun of his gorilla sex on our way here."

She stared at him, but he just shrugged. "It'll heal soon."

Once the timer on the oven dinged, everyone sat down to eat. Every time Bella caught sight of Paul, she remembered the incident in the woods and was struck with the urge to cringe and laugh all at once. She was relieved when breakfast was over, if only for the fact that she didn't have to look at Paul and think of that. Mia was one of the first to leave since she had to go in to work.

"She seems nice," Sam said idly, taking a stack of dishes to the sink.

"Yeah, she does," Quil agreed.

Paul was eyeing all of them suspiciously, eyes narrowed slightly. When all was calm and quiet for a couple minutes, Jake finally said, "I guess your gorilla call worked on her, man."

Chaos erupted. Bella ducked behind Leah, trying to get away from the melee.

All the guys erupted with, "Ooo, ooo, ooo! Ooo, ooo, ooo!"

Lots of armpit scratching and butt-lifting was going on. Everyone was laughing hysterically, and Bella slapped a hand over her mouth to try and muffle the eruption of giggles. Jake was already pelting out the door, Paul after him. He growled at the guys still laughing, "I'll be back for the rest of you ass-lickers!"

Bella shook her head. _Boys._

Later on, while waiting for Jake, she texted Jessica back and tossed her phone on the bed. She went downstairs, heard the door open, and Jake yell from the kitchen, "Me Tarzan! You Jane!"

Shocked, she took a step back as he barreled into the room. He scooped her up and tossed her over his shoulder and charged up the stairs. Giving a half-panicked, half-amused squeal, she cried, "Don't drop me!"

He snickered as he got them safely to her bed. Bella landed with an undignified plop and giggled as Jake swooped over top of her, sitting on her legs and pinning her down. She tried to hide an amused grin when she saw Jake's shiner.

He shrugged. "It was totally worth it. Plus, he has one, too."

Shaking her head, Bella stretched under him, casually pulling her t-shirt tighter over her chest. No bra. His lack of brain-to-mouth filter made her very aware of how much he daydreamed about that. Like a laser, his eyes zeroed in on her nipples, and she smirked. It was fun having the power. She arched up, pushing her hips against the huge tent in his shorts.

He groaned. She gasped as he produced a set of real handcuffs. Bella's eyes widened. "Uh… Jake…?"

"You want to, Bells?" he asked. His tone was hopeful, and she couldn't resist. A little reluctantly, she relinquished the power and let him handcuff her to the posts after he assured her he had the key and disposed of her shirt.

She found she still had a sense of power, though, as she writhed on the bed. His eyes kept darting from her boobs to her hoo-hah. When he finally settled on her boobs, he crawled higher up until his fire hose rested between said boobs. Bella looked down at it as he rubbed it over her.

"Hmm. It's like a snake resting at the base of your mountain," he said. She giggled and he looked slightly embarrassed.

She let him wiggle around contentedly, even giving him a light suckle, but said quickly, "Okay, no more. Otherwise I might drown."

He blushed. She couldn't help giggling. When he moved back down, he sheathed the beast and began pumping her like his life depended on it. His fingers found her love button, and Bella began to writhe under him. Suddenly, Bella caught sight of a light glowing from under the top of her thigh. She groaned, distracted, as Jake sent her over the edge.

It never took long. He grunted, "Oh yeah, Bells. You're so… uh… sexy… uh…"

He came with his usual never-ending stream, some of it squirting free. Ew.

When he went to unlock her handcuffs, he bit his lip. "Uh… Bells? I can't find the key."

Bella flipped out immediately. "What? Find it! I can't stay handcuffed to the bed! Hurry!"

Fruitless searching later, Jake shook his head. And then she heard the faint sound of someone else talking. Confused, she realized the light was still there and was struck with a horrifying thought. Was that her… _cell phone!?_

She'd sex-dialed someone! Frantically, she motioned to Jake who caught on quickly. He stared at her horrified. She was hand-cuffed to the bed and had sex-dialed Charlie! Oh shit! Jake slammed his finger on the end button, his face bright red.

"Key! Find the key! Dammit, hurry, find it!" Bella freaked out, trying to help, but realizing she couldn't go anywhere.

And the key had disappeared.

Not long after, there was a knock on the door. Charlie sent his deputy to unlock her. Jake apologized profusely to her, answered the door, and Bella hid under the covers while Charlie's right-hand man, Deputy Mark, unlocked her from the bed with another key and tried to muffle his laughter.

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**AN: God, that's a terrible thought. I've accidentally butt-dialed people before, but it was all innocent. Lol I figured some of us could relate to that happening, though hopefully not while in this situation. Hehe. Hope you enjoyed! Looks like there will be one more drabble, too. Just an FYI. :o)**


	24. Chapter 24

Jake sat at the kitchen table with Billy with Bella to his left. Charlie was pacing the little kitchen, steam practically coming out of his ears and nostrils as he huffed like a dragon that had an overabundance of smoke to exhale. This was going to be _so _painful. He really thought Charlie was going to chase after him when he first got there; he was like a bull and Jake felt like the red flag. A red flag that was waving and taunting.

Billy had his usual 'watching my son being tortured is so much fun'look. Bella looked mortified, and Jake was feeling pretty much the same. Finally, Charlie swung around and fixed Jake with the death stare of doom. "You're such a…."

He couldn't even finish the sentence.

Jake felt the urge to laugh, but knew that'd be a horrible thing to do.

"…hormone."

Jake coughed to muffle a snort of laughter. He couldn't help himself. Thankfully, Charlie was distracted and didn't realize what it really was. Billy did, though, and he gave Jake his raised eyebrow look, though his own mouth was twitching.

"You use police-issue handcuffs of all things? On my _daughter_? And then lose the key. Stupid teenage boys," he muttered angrily.

"I would've thought you'd have more sense than that," Charlie added as an aside to Bella, who was staring at her hands as if they were the most fascinating thing in existence.

Billy leaned back in his wheelchair, examining them like he was suddenly very concerned with the whole situation. "Jake, I thought I taught you better. You should've just broken the headboard and got her out of there and made a run for it."

Jake did snort then; he couldn't help it. Even Bella had a ghost of a smile on her face.

Charlie glared at Billy and snapped, "You're not helping. He's a defiler!"

Billy laughed then. "Oh come on, Charlie. They're kids. Cut them some slack."

Surprised, Jake glanced up to stare at his dad. What was this?

Charlie huffed again. "They're having, you know… sex… and he handcuffs her to her bed? And then I have to hear that he handcuffed her to the bed when I'm called by accident? Not to mention there's no way in hell I'm going to go home and give them the key, so I have to send my Deputy to do it?"

He was getting all bent out of shape again. Poor Bella was turning fire-engine red again, and Jake was feeling a bit warm himself.

Billy snickered. "Charlie, you do remember your _own _youth, don't you? How you chased that cute little Margaret around for the summer. And then you were getting frisky in a canoe of all things, and then capsized it? You had to be rescued by Old Quil and he had to drag your sorry, naked ass in along with Margaret?"

Charlie's face was red now. Jake bit down on his lip to keep from laughing. Charlie Swan was as clumsy as him and Bella?

"Okay, okay, shut up, William," he muttered. "You made your point."

Charlie sighed huffily and sat down. "Fine."

"And you can go camping overnight with your friends tonight," he muttered resentfully. Jake raises his eyebrows in surprise.

He realized that as annoying as his dad had been lately, he was giving them an out. He smiled gratefully at him. Billy gave him a wink. "Thanks, Chief Swan," Jake said respectfully. "We'll be careful, I mean…you know, in the woods. Nothing out of the, uh, ordinary will happen."

Billy shook his head, snickering. Charlie eyed him, a dangerous glint in his eye. "Hurt her? Dead. Remember. Now go."

When Charlie Swan spoke to him in monosyllables he knew to make a run for it. He grabbed Bella's hand and they bolted. "Never speak of this again," Bella gasped. He agreed whole-heartedly.

So, that night they met up with the guys and their girlfriends and headed out into the woods to camp near the falls. It was the perfect night for it; clear and chilly enough to snuggle. He was going to snuggle Bella's boobs all night. They pitched their tents, ignoring the guys bantering.

"Bets on who makes the loudest sex noises!" Quil declared.

They all looked over at him. So… he gave them the finger.

"It'll be Paul, hands down," Embry declared, sticking up for Jake. "Gorillas make a lot of noise."

Mia was blushing, but she was getting used to the ribbing. Paul's fist bunched and Jake snickered. "Calm down, cowboy. You picked on me plenty. Take the hits like a man. Not like a gorilla."

Laughing, they were all watching Paul as he struggled with remaining calm or pouncing.

When the chaos died down, they all went swimming at the falls. It was cold, but Jake made sure to stay near Bella so she'd benefit from his werewolf heat. It helped make the water temperature more comfortable. Ghost stories were told around the campfire afterward as they ate.

"Watch out for ghoulies," Quil teased Bella, sneaking up behind her to poke her in the sides, making her jump in fright.

Jake punched him in the head for her.

Once they were safely nestled in their tent with enough space between the rest of the pack for some privacy, Jake tugged Bella closer to him. It didn't matter if she was practically on top of him. It wasn't close enough. "You think this is a good idea with them not so far away?"

Jake shrugged. "Well, I want you, and if I don't have you, my cock might shrivel up and die."

Bella giggled. "Like _that _would ever happen. Mr. I-Can-Get-It-Up-Wherever-And-Whenever."

He thrust his hips up. "You know it, baby."

She smirked, so he flipped her over and went to town. When his mouth finally found her bare breasts, he blew a raspberry, making her giggle again. He had his hand down her pants when he had an idea. "Hey, Bells? Talk dirty to me, okay?"

She looked surprised and a little embarrassed. "Um… really? I don't think I'd be very good at that."

"Give it a try," he urged her. "Please?"

So, to help her along, he knelt back and began to slowly unbutton his belt. "What am I doing, dirty girl?"

She flushed. "Um, taking your pants off. And your underwear, so you can release the beast."

He muffled a snort of laughter. "And why am I taking my underwear off?"

"Because….they're dirty?"

He couldn't help it; he cracked up and so did she. "Gee, Bells, that wasn't the kind of dirty talk I was thinking of," he snickered.

She grinned and looped her arms around his neck. Jake lifted one of her legs high in the air, spreading them, and he gave one, long lick. _Mmmmm. It's like a warm, fuzzy peach. _He just sighed when she muffled a laugh. He was getting used to this by now. He continued, eliciting little squeaking sounds from her. When her legs began to shake around his neck, he was close. He'd need to hurry, too, or she was going to cut off his air supply.

When she came, he moved up, and grabbed a condom. He managed to sling-shot it yet again in his haste and gave her a look when she slapped a hand over her mouth. "Har har," he muttered. He grabbed another, got it on, and drove into her like the jack hammer of love that he was. He could hear the sounds of love coming from other tents nearby.

Confused, he glanced up after h is first few thrusts. There were weird squeaking sounds, getting louder, and he realized Bella was so into it she didn't realize she sounded like some kind of mouse on steroids. He was about to lay a hand over her mouth, but just then he saw an actual mouse wiggle into the tent, followed by another.

He came just as his body tried to jerk away from her, knowing she'd damage him when she saw them. Bella's eyes opened, caught sight of the mice, and squealed. She leapt on him, but he was still spraying a bit. _Damn, it's sticky! _

He caught her, stumbling into the side of the tent, taking it down in a tangle of limbs, poles, and material. Everyone was out of their tent, laughing, as Bella screeched, "Mouse! Get it away from me!"

Thank God they were covered. All the girls were screeching now, though. He yelled, "Look out! There's a gorilla!"

Paul's eyes narrowed as they all began laughing at that. The evening ended in an all-out wrestling match, followed by a more successful round of hide the salami when all was calm again.

* * *

**AN: And that, folks, is the end! I hope you enjoyed this one and thanks for sticking with me all the way through this. :o) Drabble series are definitely not out of the question as far as fic-writing goes, and I know someone mentioned something about sex after babies, but if I come up with a slightly different idea I feel can work with that for a drabble series…then there might be more. :o)**


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